Dismay as poll shows ‘Oo-er missus’ rejoinder no longer funny

A Leominster man has told of his dismay after a national poll concluded that the rejoinder ‘oo-er missus’ is no longer considered funny.

 Local ‘character’ Malcolm Short, 54, settled in the rural border town after retiring as a City banker in 2004. He quickly installed himself as a local wit and bon viveur at his local pub, the Spaniard’s Arms.

 ”Since then I’ve regaled all-and-sundry with my amusing jokes and anecdotes.” He said, “Often butting into people’s conversations with an amusing ‘that’s the pot calling the kettle black’, ‘sounds like the wife’ or ‘matron!’ So you can imagine how I felt when I heard that my favourite ‘oo-er missus’ is no longer funny.”

 With his repertoire depleted, Short believes his customary place propping up the bar to be under threat. “These younger lads are coming in with jokes they’ve been texted or got off the internet. I’ve been telling the same jokes for the last thirty-odd years and have had to rely on my quippage skills to add that extra-funny garnish – I just can’t compete any more.”

 ’Oo-er missus’ joins an ever-growing list of near-extinct rejoinders including the once-hilarious but now prehistoric ‘as the actress said to the bishop’. This loss of comedic verbosity is having a devastating effect on pub philosophers such as Malcolm.

 ”A case in point:” he continued, “I was sat on my stool nursing a real ale the other day when someone came in for a swift half en-route to the bakers. I overheard him telling the barmaid that he was looking forward to getting his hands on some nice big baps, but without my ‘oo-er missus’ I was helpless to interject.”

 ”By the time I’d thought of something funny to say, someone else piped up with ‘I’d watch out if I was you Brenda,’ before I even had a chance to open my mouth. Something died in me that day.”

 (Written 21 Jan 2009)

‘Mamma Mia!’ DVD supply to run out before Valentine’s Day

The entire male population the western hemisphere has gone into panic today following the shock announcement that there will be no Mamma Mia! DVDs available to buy for Valentine’s Day. 

 The International DVD Distributors and Retailers Association has warned that stocks of the popular Abba-based movie musical all-but sold out over the Christmas period and that supplies will be exhausted by approximately the end of January. 

 The Mamma Mia! DVD was the most popular Christmas present in 2008, with virtually every male in the world buying a copy for virtually every female member of his family, in addition to girlfriends, colleagues and same-sex partners. 

 ’We must take into account the number of birthdays between Christmas and Valentine’s Day, coupled with the fact that Mother’s Day in both Greece and Norway falls well before February 14th,’ said an IDDRA spokesman.  ‘The demand for this product is simply too great for us to handle.’

 British males have been particularly hard-hit, as many thought they’d forgo the traditional Valentine’s Day flowers in favour of the DVD.  ’I'm devastated,’ said Brian Kent, a plumber from Croydon.  ‘I’m one of the few blokes who didn’t give his missus a copy for Christmas, so I thought I’d get back into her good books and get her one for Valentine’s.  If they’re sold out my life won’t be worth living.’

 Brian Carrington, a fashion designer from Hereford is also unhappy.  ‘I was delighted when my partner gave me Mamma Mia! for Christmas, but I’ve yet to get the Blu-ray version or the Mamma Mia! gift set – I’m distraught!’

 Prices for second-hand copies of the movie have sky-rocketed since the announcement, with pirate copies from the Far East going for upwards of three hundred pounds on eBay.  Meanwhile sales of an obscure West African film, Mamma Mali have also soared as desperate consumers make hasty purchases whilst searching for the disk online. 

 Pleas for government intervention have gone unheeded, with the Prime Minister refusing to purchase from emergency stockpiles of the movie.  ‘The government has enough on its hands bailing out banks and businesses – we can’t bail out consumers as well,’ Said Gordon Brown at Prime Minister’s question time.  ‘They’ll just have to wait until it comes onto Sky Box Office…  That reminds me; I must set the recorder when I get home.’

 (Written 22 Jan 2009)