Britain’s zombies are feeling the pinch as the brain drain that has been affecting this nation for a number of years intensifies. As the recession bites deeper and funding dries up, record numbers of highly qualified professionals are departing from these shores to settle abroad, leaving businesses and institutions bereft of talent and the undead of a quality food source.
According to statistics there are now 3.247 million British-born people living abroad, of whom more than 1.1 million are highly-skilled university graduates. The most popular destinations are English-speaking countries such as the USA and Canada, and holiday areas like France and Spain. Countries, believes Ken Gregson of the RSPCZ, which most zombies cannot afford to emigrate to.
‘When they die most zombies have their bank accounts closed and their savings shared between relatives and the taxman.’ he says. ‘Those that do have some money stashed away in some mouldering sack find that their passports expired decades ago or that they are unable to get travel insurance on account of being declared legally dead. Consequently many of our shambling cousins are unable to follow their primary source of sustenance.’
Zombie expert Professor Thadeus Hutton (1907-1986) concurs. ‘Highly-qualified professionals are being actively targeted by countries such as Australia and New Zealand. Tasty doctors, succulent teachers and hearty scientists are going in droves, leaving us with tasteless hairdressers, bland road sweepers and dull and insipid media studies students. Our quality of ‘life’ is suffering as a result.’
Hutton is dismissive of critics who point out that emigration is offset by the large numbers of highly-skilled immigrants moving to Britain to replace those leaving. ‘Your average dumpling-brained Czech or pickled cabbage Pole isn’t a patch on a light-yet-filling Cambridge physicist, and have you tried one of those Indian computer programmers? My backside was red-hot for days! Mind you I had accidentally left it lying on the radiator all week, but my point remains valid.’ he maintains.
(Written 3 Mar 2009)