Vatican: priesthood offered year-long holidays for 75% pay cut

In a move calculated to ease it’s current financial woes, the Catholic Church has offered it’s Episcopate, Presbyterate and Diaconate employees the chance to take time off for extended periods in exchange for a substantial pay cut, the Vatican has announced. 

Catholicism, the largest organised Christian church, employs hundreds of thousands of staff, from archbishops to lay ministers, and is thought to be heading towards fiscal meltdown as a result of being slowly crippled by massive wage bills and pension contributions.  Dwindling congregations also mean that the Catholic Church is suffering a liturgical deficit as potential souls flock to more glamorous religions such as Islam, Hinduism and Michael Jackson. 

Similar to a deal being offered to BT workers, one option available to the clergy is taking a year off with a 75% drop in salary, in return for taking the remainder of their wages as an up-front payment.  ‘The Roman Catholic Church is known for its progressive human resource policies and flexible working practices,’ said a Vatican spokesman.  ‘This is an innovative way to help our employees during these tough economic times and should negate the need for compulsory redundancies’

Hundreds of priests have already expressed an interest in the scheme, including Pope Benedict XVI: the serious-minded theologian reportedly planning a year at a Buddhist retreat in order to ponder certain doctrinal inconsistencies.  However others, including Father Derek Kelly of Durham, are not so sure: ‘Who will see to the spiritual wellbeing of my flock if I go gallivanting around for a year? It’s all very well harping on about risk management but in this increasingly materialistic world, would I have a diocese to come back to?’

The Union of Religious Professionals (UORP) has also expressed concern and recommends that anyone tempted to agree to the deal thinks very carefully about what they are signing up for.  ‘Be wary of offers to take unpaid leave during school holidays in order to spend time with your children if you have previously taken a vow of chastity, lest you receive disciplinary action from higher management,’ they warn their members. 

Others, such as Archbishop Miguel Hernandez of Guatemala, dismiss such concerns: ‘Taking a year off from being Catholic? My work-life balance could do with some of that! If I can take my vacation at the same time as Spring Break I’ll be swapping my guilt-ridden fears of soul-rending hellfire for a packet of condoms and taking the next plane to Miami!’

(Written 6 Jul 2009)

Gordon Brown to reveal Labour government ‘story arc’ ending after next election

Prime Minister Gordon Brown has announced that the mystery surrounding the Labour government’s major story arcs will finally be revealed after the next general election, amid speculation that the series is to be axed.  Fans have been hooked by Labour’s convoluted storylines, sub-plots and interlinking ‘mytharcs’ ever since the show premiered in 1997, but ratings have fallen in recent months.

Supporters have been deserting the party in droves, with viewers complaining about poor scripts and production values on dozens of fansites and internet forums.  ‘It’s not been the same since they introduced the recession storyline,’ commented one disgruntled fan, ‘and anyway, most of my mates stopped watching it when they changed the lead actor a couple of years ago.’

According to the ‘Ain’t It Cool’ news website, Labour bosses are desperate to win back their fanbase, worried that viewers might switch their allegiance to rival political parties.  ‘They’ve finally realised that long-term supporters are becoming frustrated with the lack of progress in the show, which appears to have lost direction as writers cram unresolved crisis after unresolved crisis into the plot.  Fans want some payback – basically they want to know what the hell is going on!’ wrote one reviewer.

Many believe that it is to this end that many of the series’ loose ends will be tied up, and fans will finally get an explanation about the disappearance of MPs, the strange blacked-out expense claims and the mysterious ‘Iraq Inquiry’ story arc, in a spectacular series finale which will see the loss of at least one major character.

(Written 26 Jun 2009)