Authorities issue side effect warning for man flu vaccine Terryflu

Following concerns about the swine flue drug Tamiflu, red-faced health officials have been forced to issue a warning about the use of Terryflu: a recently-proclaimed miracle cure for the devastating man flu pandemic that is currently cutting swathes through Britain’s male population.

Taking a course of Terryflu, hailed by medical developers as the only effective way to combat man flu, slowly introduces female hormones into the male genetic makeup. This allows men to utilise the feminine ability to shrug off the disease’s debilitating symptoms such as a dry throat, runny nose and a general feeling of being a bit poorly, and continue uncomplaining about their daily business without feeling the need to have a bit of a sit down.

However since its general release six months ago, reports of unwanted side effects have become an almost daily occurrence. ‘Some weeks back I contracted man flu off some of the lads in the workshop,’ reported one sufferer. ‘Usually I’d take a few days off, complaining that I was feeling a bit achy, but my job was already under threat so I thought I’d take some Terryflu instead. Next thing you know I’m pouring scorn on the sufferings of my colleagues and being ostracised by them for being generally unsympathetic to their sneezing and feelings of slight fluey fatigue.’

Another Terryflu user told of a similar, if more harrowing experience: ‘My father had already disowned me for mocking is inability to help with the housework due to man flu, but worse was to come. I suddenly found myself strangely affected every time Daniel Craig appeared on TV – when he came out of the sea wearing tight trunks in Casino Royale I had to rush to the toilet – I think I’d rather run the risk of feeling slightly ‘bleh’ than go through that again!’

Millions of Terryflu packets are being hurriedly recalled in an effort to stop these side effects, in a nationwide operation on a scale not seen since the Spanish flu vaccine panic of 1919, when hundreds of foreign waiters on the English Riviera suddenly stopped bumbling and became an effective and efficient workforce.

(written 4 Sep 2009)

UN boundary commission to arbitrate on married couple’s bed space dispute

A Uttoxeter couple have asked for a UN boundary commission to help save their 30 year marriage after a long-running row over the occupation of bed space erupted into violence last week.

Mr. and Mrs. Prestwick contacted the UN after reading about their efforts to arbitrate the Ethiopia/Eritrea border dispute, a conflict which, according to the couple, had striking parallels to their own disagreement. ‘Eritrea made a number of forays into Ethiopian territory, just as my wife keeps rolling into my half of the bed.’ complained Mr. Prestwick. Mr. Prestwick has also made an official complaint to the commission about Mrs. Prestwick’s attempt to permanently annex part of his territory by allowing her V pillow to stray into a section of mattress he claims to be officially designated as his sleeping area, as per the couple’s 1979 nuptial pact.

Mrs. Prestwick disputes this, claiming that the area in question was reclassified to a shared ‘neutral zone’ in a sub-clause of the 1996 trial separation and subsequent reconciliation agreement. She has also defended the use of the V pillow, citing an independent report by her osteopath, which she claims gives her a legitimate right to maintain a back support in the disputed area at all times.

Her husband has since aggravated matters by accusing his wife of making military probes into his ‘safe zone’ with her elbows, a move defended by Mrs. Prestwick as a necessary counter-measure against Mr. Prestwick’s aggressive snoring.

UN inspectors are said to be en-route to the disputed area, desperate to intervene before the spat escalates into a full-blown conflict; the most likely result of which will see Mr. Prestwick forcibly ejected from the bed altogether and taking refuge on the sofa downstairs. ‘It is true that I have threatened an outright annexation,’ Mrs. Prestwick declared recently, ‘but this is not due to his current claims against my rightful occupation of bed space, but in response to his repeated incursions into my underwear drawer, and the plundering of items therein.’

(Written 4 Sep 2009)