Following concerns about the swine flue drug Tamiflu, red-faced health officials have been forced to issue a warning about the use of Terryflu: a recently-proclaimed miracle cure for the devastating man flu pandemic that is currently cutting swathes through Britain’s male population.
Taking a course of Terryflu, hailed by medical developers as the only effective way to combat man flu, slowly introduces female hormones into the male genetic makeup. This allows men to utilise the feminine ability to shrug off the disease’s debilitating symptoms such as a dry throat, runny nose and a general feeling of being a bit poorly, and continue uncomplaining about their daily business without feeling the need to have a bit of a sit down.
However since its general release six months ago, reports of unwanted side effects have become an almost daily occurrence. ‘Some weeks back I contracted man flu off some of the lads in the workshop,’ reported one sufferer. ‘Usually I’d take a few days off, complaining that I was feeling a bit achy, but my job was already under threat so I thought I’d take some Terryflu instead. Next thing you know I’m pouring scorn on the sufferings of my colleagues and being ostracised by them for being generally unsympathetic to their sneezing and feelings of slight fluey fatigue.’
Another Terryflu user told of a similar, if more harrowing experience: ‘My father had already disowned me for mocking is inability to help with the housework due to man flu, but worse was to come. I suddenly found myself strangely affected every time Daniel Craig appeared on TV – when he came out of the sea wearing tight trunks in Casino Royale I had to rush to the toilet – I think I’d rather run the risk of feeling slightly ‘bleh’ than go through that again!’
Millions of Terryflu packets are being hurriedly recalled in an effort to stop these side effects, in a nationwide operation on a scale not seen since the Spanish flu vaccine panic of 1919, when hundreds of foreign waiters on the English Riviera suddenly stopped bumbling and became an effective and efficient workforce.
(written 4 Sep 2009)