Queen’s speech tops Xmas TV ratings after shock regeneration

The BBC has once again emerged triumphant in the Christmas/New Year TV ratings battle according to BARB, after over 20 million viewers tuned in to see Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II transmogrify into a much younger monarch.

This surprise climax to an emotional and action-packed televised speech has been hailed as the coup-de-grace in the BBC’s campaign against its rivals. ‘Auntie Beeb won the race for our festive goggle eyes fair and square,’ wrote one TV critic, ‘ITVs unimaginative broadcasting of films that most of us already had on DVD anyway came a poor second.’

The BBC’s fired the first salvo over the festive period with the Eastenders Christmas episode. Usually a dour and depressing affair, this year’s edition saw the entire cast commit suicide, leaving the public with 45 minutes’ worth of an eerily empty Albert Square. Most viewers appreciated the much-needed peace and quiet and ratings rocketed.

While the Queen’s regeneration came as no surprise to hardened fans of the royal, with spoilers being leaked on the internet for months, most assumed that the hotly-tipped Prince of Wales would take the starring role, not, as it transpired, Lady Helen ‘Melons’ Windsor.

Pensioner’s back yard voted Rear of The Year 2009

The prestigious title of Rear of The Year for 2009 has been awarded to the back yard of former slate miner’s cottage in South Wales.

‘I was thrilled when I heard the news,’ said Mrs. Edie Shrimpton, 84, of 12 Audley Terrace, Cwmbran, ‘I’ve always tried to keep my back yard clean and tidy, even though I had an indoor privy installed in the ’70s and only go out there to hang my washing up.’

Rear of the Year was first awarded to Barbara Windsor in 1976, with other recipients including Felicity Kendal, Rachel Stevens and the storage depot of Blakedown Heating Systems, Huddersfield. The first male to win the title was Michael Barrymore. 

Bookies favourite, glamour model Katie Price, famously dropped out of this year’s competition amid fears of an avalanche of poorly-executed jokes regarding her back passage from half-rate comedy writers struggling for suitable material.

The Snow Globe podcast

You are cordially invited to listen to a new comedy/music podcast, The Snow Globe by clicking the link below.

http://www.cyberears.com/index.php/Show/audio/5668

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Wheelie bin roll-out sparks alien invasion fears on Isle of Wight

Armed mobs of Isle of Wight residents are said to be roaming the island’s streets and country lanes after the sudden appearance of wheeled recycling bins, following a local council initiative to provide one for every household, was mistaken for an extra-terrestrial invasion by startled locals.

Shotgun-toting islanders have set up roadblocks around all major settlements and are searching vehicles for lizard-men and so-called ‘body snatcher doppelwotsits’, while bemused waste disposal operatives have reported bands of men, claiming to be operating under the auspices of ‘Local Defence Plan 9′, beating the new wheelie bins with heavy clubs and cricket bats.

‘Local Defence Plan 9′ was a contingency plan drawn up by the Isle of Wight authorities following the great flying saucer scare of 1975. ‘We realised it was high time we had a mobilization strategy for dealing with alien monsters,’ local councillor Geoff Drebble told reporters, ‘and while in that instance the invasion of the saucer men turned out to be a Frisbee competition at Yaverland, the plan has been in the statute book ever since.’

Officers of the Hampshire Constabulary have been unsuccessful in their attempts to disarm these alien hunters, or to prevent the wanton destruction of council property. ‘ no copper’s gonna stop me from springin’ to the defence of my homeland!’ exclaimed one baseball bat-wielding octogenarian, ‘I ain’t been this excited since the war, or when we thought that boatload of tourists from Portsmouth were Somali pirates.’

In a desperate attempt to calm the situation, the authorities have drafted in several sci-fi experts from the mainland. ‘With their help we’ve created an alien identification sheet, which people can use to tell the difference between a Dalek or a Triffid and a combined glass, plastic and paper recycling bin.’ explained Drebble.

‘The message we have to get across is that, rule of thumb; alien invaders don’t normally have stickers on them explaining the new fortnightly refuse collection system. Whether they’ll accept textiles and Tetra Pak cartons is something we’re still looking into.’

(Written 14 Oct 2009)