Solitaire record holder forced to relinquish crown

A senior civil servant who spent his entire working life playing Solitaire on his office computer has spoken of his anguish at having to relinquish his record-breaking title after being forced to do some work.

Following ex-trade minister Lord Digby Jones’ claims that many civil servants deserved the sack and that the job could be done with half as many, Martin Dennison, 42, has had to give up his record-breaking endeavour to concentrate on his role as Director for Corporate HR and HR Strategy.

Dennison has held the record for playing the bundled-in Windows version of Patience during working hours ever since the previous holder, a BT call-centre advisor, was sacked for misuse of company property in 1997.

“I was still a junior administrative assistant when I first started playing the game.” Said Dennison, “I’d just joined the civil service and was told to sit there and look busy. With nothing better to do, I had a look to see what games had been installed on the computer and the rest is history.”

Through a process of natural wastage, Dennison rose up the ranks to his current position, spending every minute on the game, where the player reorders a deck of cards by suit and rank through a series of moves, transferring cards from one place to another under certain limitations.

“But now Lord Digby Jones has come along and spoiled everything.” Complained Dennison, “Supposed ‘timewasters’ such as myself have to do something actually work related now. I’ve tried to appeal, and even got the Guinness Book of Records to have a chat with him, but to no avail.”

With Dennison gone the crown now passes to Lee Kang-Hwang, a 23 year-old South Korean software designer who has been chasing the record ever since bunking off college when he was 18. “I’m thrilled.” Said Lee, “Beating Dennison’s record has given me satisfaction and focus in my working life.” He continued, staring unblinkingly at his screen. “It was either that, write for a satirical comedy website or go on a gun-toting killing spree. Only history will decide whether I’ve made the right choice.”

(Written 16 Jan 2009)

Stupid people represent the next step up the evolutionary ladder, research shows

Following years of exhaustive research, scientists at University College London have discovered that stupid people are in actual fact far more advanced in terms of evolution than their cleverer contemporaries. Tests have proved that the lower a person’s intellectual capacity, the higher their chances are of dealing with the stresses and strains of modern life, giving them an evolutionary edge.

Professor M. Angela Sayce, head of behavioural studies and comparative physiognomy, spearheaded the research and believes that the more stupid you are, the easier it is to ignore problems. “Global warming, international terrorism, economic collapse – anyone with a spark of intelligence, imagination or a basic interest in the world around them cannot help but worry about these issues. But for stupid people these things mean nothing. Consequently they live much happier and healthier lives.”

In one experiment a number of volunteers were asked a series of questions in order to gauge their levels of common sense. They were then asked to watch a Panorama credit-crunch special report, while footage of Todd Carty being voted back onto Dancing on Ice was played alongside it. Results showed that those with an ounce of common sense focussed far more on the Panorama report, while those lacking any sense whatsoever were much more interested in Carty’s inept skating.

This led Professor Sayce’s team to the conclusion that the ‘intellectually challenged’ ignore global issues because they are easily distracted by far more trivial events. “Your average stupid person lives a life full of reality stars, celebrity talent contests and bright shiny things, all competing for their limited attention and thus keeping them blissfully ignorant of weightier matters. We call this the ‘John Sergeant effect’.”

Following publication of these findings, plans are already underway to improve the nation’s mental and physical health. The BBC has announced that from August, all news readers, investigative reporters and current affairs correspondents will be required to pronounce the headlines in a more jovial manner, whilst simultaneously learning basic circus skills in time for a BBC news credit-crunch Christmas circus extravaganza.

(Written 20 Feb 2009)