Following years of exhaustive research, scientists at University College London have discovered that stupid people are in actual fact far more advanced in terms of evolution than their cleverer contemporaries. Tests have proved that the lower a person’s intellectual capacity, the higher their chances are of dealing with the stresses and strains of modern life, giving them an evolutionary edge.
Professor M. Angela Sayce, head of behavioural studies and comparative physiognomy, spearheaded the research and believes that the more stupid you are, the easier it is to ignore problems. “Global warming, international terrorism, economic collapse – anyone with a spark of intelligence, imagination or a basic interest in the world around them cannot help but worry about these issues. But for stupid people these things mean nothing. Consequently they live much happier and healthier lives.”
In one experiment a number of volunteers were asked a series of questions in order to gauge their levels of common sense. They were then asked to watch a Panorama credit-crunch special report, while footage of Todd Carty being voted back onto Dancing on Ice was played alongside it. Results showed that those with an ounce of common sense focussed far more on the Panorama report, while those lacking any sense whatsoever were much more interested in Carty’s inept skating.
This led Professor Sayce’s team to the conclusion that the ‘intellectually challenged’ ignore global issues because they are easily distracted by far more trivial events. “Your average stupid person lives a life full of reality stars, celebrity talent contests and bright shiny things, all competing for their limited attention and thus keeping them blissfully ignorant of weightier matters. We call this the ‘John Sergeant effect’.”
Following publication of these findings, plans are already underway to improve the nation’s mental and physical health. The BBC has announced that from August, all news readers, investigative reporters and current affairs correspondents will be required to pronounce the headlines in a more jovial manner, whilst simultaneously learning basic circus skills in time for a BBC news credit-crunch Christmas circus extravaganza.
(Written 20 Feb 2009)