Pub giant Whetherby’s is to trial a new initiative to encourage more irresponsible drinking in their establishments. As of today, groups of more than four patrons visiting their West Midlands establishments must designate one of their party as, in the words of Whetherby’s chairman Malcolm Morgan, ‘an irritating twat’.
This individual will be required to consume twice as much alcohol as his peers, talk loudly over other people’s conversations, shoulder their way through the queue at the bar waving a twenty pound note and generally tread on people’s feet. Any designated dickhead failing to at least take off his shirt, shouting ‘I’m a lion!’ during the course of the evening will be asked to leave the premises.
The Designated Dickhead scheme, launched to counter the worrying rise in sensible drinking that has plagued Britain’s pubs since the smoking ban and the crackdown on drink-driving, should, according to Morgan, bring back some much-needed atmosphere. ‘We at Wetherby’s are well aware how sterile and joyless our branches have become,’ he said. ‘Having a few annoying piss-heads around the place will add some much-needed character.’
The move comes in response to the latest government findings on the state of the nation’s drinkers, as revealed by the Minister for Cultural Affairs, Big Steveo, who recently told a visibly mortified House of Commons how Britain’s reputation as hard-drinking hooligans has, in recent years, ‘descended to a level comparable to that of the shandy drinking French.’
The government have welcomed the new initiative, which by happy coincidence will launch on the same day as a new public information film highlighting the dangers of doing Karaoke on less than two units of alcohol. If successful, the trial will be extended to the whole country in time for the Rugby Six Nations final.
(Written 3 Feb 2010)