Pub chain to trial Designated Dickhead scheme

Pub giant Whetherby’s is to trial a new initiative to encourage more irresponsible drinking in their establishments. As of today, groups of more than four patrons visiting their West Midlands establishments must designate one of their party as, in the words of Whetherby’s chairman Malcolm Morgan, ‘an irritating twat’.

This individual will be required to consume twice as much alcohol as his peers, talk loudly over other people’s conversations, shoulder their way through the queue at the bar waving a twenty pound note and generally tread on people’s feet. Any designated dickhead failing to at least take off his shirt, shouting ‘I’m a lion!’ during the course of the evening will be asked to leave the premises.

The Designated Dickhead scheme, launched to counter the worrying rise in sensible drinking that has plagued Britain’s pubs since the smoking ban and the crackdown on drink-driving, should, according to Morgan, bring back some much-needed atmosphere. ‘We at Wetherby’s are well aware how sterile and joyless our branches have become,’ he said. ‘Having a few annoying piss-heads around the place will add some much-needed character.’

The move comes in response to the latest government findings on the state of the nation’s drinkers, as revealed by the Minister for Cultural Affairs, Big Steveo, who recently told a visibly mortified House of Commons how Britain’s reputation as hard-drinking hooligans has, in recent years, ‘descended to a level comparable to that of the shandy drinking French.’

The government have welcomed the new initiative, which by happy coincidence will launch on the same day as a new public information film highlighting the dangers of doing Karaoke on less than two units of alcohol. If successful, the trial will be extended to the whole country in time for the Rugby Six Nations final.

(Written 3 Feb 2010)

Planet Earth completely hollowed out after gritting operations

A tenfold increase in grit excavation, carried out during the recent snap of cold weather in Britain, has completely hollowed out planet Earth, a leading geologist has revealed.

Professor Martin Lister and his team made the discovery while probing for seams of rock salt at Tintwistle Knarr Quarry, Derbyshire, at the behest of the local council. ‘Our descent into the salt beds seemed to take a lot longer than is usual,’ he told reporters, ‘in fact we had to send out for more rope.’

Suspicions that what was initially thought to be a ‘bloody big cave’ was actually a hollowed-out cavity where the Earth’s core used to be, were raised when Lister collided with an Australian surveyor spelunking the other way. ‘It transpires that he was also looking for grit – to sell to us Brits for the next time it gets a bit chilly.’

A heated debate now rages regarding what to do with the massive void. Suggestions include lining the underside of the Earth’s crust to create a massive velodrome in time for the 2012 Olympics, opening Britain’s first national ball pit for young children or leaving it empty for all the detritus swilled off the nation’s vehicles in the post-winter car wash to run into.

Despite this difference of opinion, most commentators have been unanimous in their condemnation of the BNP’s plans to use the space to house the UK’s immigrant population in the abyss. Even other nationalists have blasted the idea, believing that the mutated, Morlockesque descendants of this displaced underground population would eventually erupt through the surface and claim the country as their own. ‘We don’t want ‘em,’ said one BNP member, ‘bloody white bastards coming ‘ere and taking our jobs.’

(Written 2 Feb 2010)

Latest Kindle e-book reader to have ‘new book smell’ bundled in

The printed word took another step towards extinction today, after it was announced that the latest generation of Amazon Kindle e-reader devices will exude that new book smell upon activation.

The Kindle 3 uses the latest artificial smell technology, including Amazon’s own Patented Olfactory Neural Generation algorithm, to create that crisp, papery odour which, according to Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, is so beloved of bibliophiles. ‘Book lovers will go crazy for this,’ he declared.

Bezos also revealed that the algorithm also boasts a built-in ‘half life’, and that the generated odour will start to ‘decay’ after a certain period of time: ‘The new book smell will gradually change, so that in a few years users will start to notice a musty, old library tinge to their e-readers – assuming that the batteries last long enough.’

In order to fully replicate the experience of reading a real book, Amazon are also investigating the possibility of replacing Kindle’s plastic casing with one made of thin sheets of a paper-like material, pressed together to form a box. More radically, the online retailing giant is also trialling a new display system to replace the traditional screen, by printing e-books directly onto these sheets. ‘Consecutive pages will be accessed by simply turning over one sheet at a time,’ Bezos told technology reporters.

Other companies have taken note of Amazon’s latest innovation and are said to be developing their own sensory-interfacing systems. Microsoft and Activision have embarked on a joint venture, allowing players of the latest Call of Duty game, World War One, to be sporadically sprayed with mud and shell fragments from their X-Box. Meanwhile GPS makers Garmin have unveiled their latest sat-nav system, aimed at improving car journeys by enveloping the driver with the smell of boiled sweets and sick.

(Written 28 Jan 2010)

Iran to air ‘most explicit series ever made’

Iranian state television has announced that it will go ahead with plans to screen a controversial TV series set in ancient Rome, described as the most sexually explicit show ever to hit the Middle-Eastern country’s airwaves.

Up Pompeii focuses on the trials and tribulations of Roman slave Lurcio as he struggles to survive the capricious machinations of Senator Ludicrus Sextus and his promiscuous wife Ammonia.

Speaking about the series, the chief executive of state-run Islamic Republic of Iran Broadcasting warned viewers to expect full-frontal prologues and double entendres of a distressing nature: ‘I think a lot of people are going to be shocked and they are going to shut off their televisions. If they’re shocked by the first few episodes, it ain’t going to let up, but for the people who have the stomach for it, this is a bloody good yarn.’

Unusually, Iran’s Guardian Council has officially sanctioned the series, despite reserving judgment on another, and apparently less salacious, western television show set in Rome called Spartacus: Blood And Sand. ‘President Ahmadinejad is personally vetting this program as we speak,’ a government spokesman said, ‘He’s then going to lend the tape to Ayatollah Khamenei, who will be unavailable for comment until about three o’clock – two o’clock if you can’t see anything.’

(Written 27 Jan)

US army uses latest unmanned drone technology to ‘shock and annoy’ militants

Responding to fierce criticism regarding the large number of civilian casualties sustained in their war against Islamic militants, US forces in Afghanistan have unveiled the latest generation in unmanned drones: specifically designed to irritate their targets with a range of juvenile practical jokes.

Using state-of-the-art Knock Down Ginger technology, the new drones can target a suspected militant from a distance of several thousand feet; knock on his door and then head back to its base of operations – all in the time it takes for the target to get out of their armchair.

Trials of the new weapon have produced stunning results, according to Colonel Shaun Kelly, officer commanding of the 1st Mechanised Tommy Knocker Regiment. ‘After identifying the compound of Taliban chief Abdul al Mahsud, we were not only able to deliver a paper bag full of dog-dirt to his doorstep, but were also able to set it on fire. As a result, enemy operations along the Pakistani border were delayed by at least fifteen minutes while al Mahsud cleaned his porch and put on a new pair of shoes.’

However human rights groups have roundly condemned use of the weapon, calling them to be banned under the Geneva Convention. Many experts also query American claims that the drones eliminate the threat of collateral damage. ‘Only yesterday a market in the Swat valley was bombarded with toilet paper,’ claimed one activist, ‘it’s inhuman.’

There is also evidence that militant fighters are also resorting to similar tactics, leading to fears that the conflict could escalate into a never ending cycle of increasingly childish pranks – something which Col. Kelly is more than prepared for. ‘I have a crack team standing by with squirty flowers and hand buzzers,’ he warned. ‘If we catch just one extremist trying to egg American personnel – we unleash hell.’

(Written 22 Jan 2010)

Joke Irishman quits comedy for career in law

Joke tellers across Britain are in crisis today as Patrick ‘Paddy’ O’Shaughnessy, the protagonist in thousands of inept Irishman jokes and one-third of comedy trio ‘an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman’, sensationally announced that he is quitting the jokes business in order to study for a law degree.

Speaking to the joke writer’s periodical Knock Knock, O’Shaughnessy told of his discomfort about being the butt of the Irishman genre. ‘I’m getting tired of being an archetypal blundering imbecile,’ he revealed. ‘People would ask me if I knew the one about the Irishman who went to the Chiropodist. Yes, I was there. I’m not proud of what I did and thank you very much for rekindling some painful and embarrassing memories.’

O’Shaughnessy’s former colleagues, ‘Englishman’ Miles Farquhar and ‘Scotsman’ Jimmy Macdonald, have expressed regret at their friend’s decision but have pledged to carry on without him. ‘Paddy will be a hard act to follow,’ admitted Farquhar, ‘but we have a new member of the team in the form of Dai Llewellyn and are confident that we can continue making derogatory material – albeit with a greater emphasis on sheep and singing.’

However, despite gaining admission to the Faculty of Law at Cambridge University, O’Shaughnessy hasn’t turned his back on the traditional Irishman joke completely: ‘did you hear the one about the Irishman who sued Jim Davidson for defamation of character? He settled for a written apology and a five-figure out-of-court settlement. You might not find that particularly funny but I think its feckin’ hilarious.’

(Written 22 Jan)

Full English Breakfast under hostile takeover bid

Lovers of great British culinary icon the full English breakfast are up in arms today, after it was announced that a formal takeover bid has been launched by Kraft: the American food giant, which already has shares in the breakfast in the form of hash browns and potato waffles.

The multi-national conglomerate intend to ‘streamline the English breakfast in line with our product portfolio’, which, according to celebrity Kerry Katona, the official face of the ‘Save our Sausage’ pressure group, amounts to the replacement of black pudding with pancakes and maple syrup. However Kraft is unrepentant: ‘We’re catering to a global market,’ claimed a spokesman. ‘In most countries, ‘blood sausage’ has a completely different connotation. Market research shows that many consumers are simply unwilling to sample it, let alone eat a whole one.’

Kraft’s opening offer has been described as ‘ derisory’ by roadside café owners, who are encouraging Little Chef to express an interest and thus save this national institution. ‘This has been on the cards for a long time, and in fairness we’ve tried to pre-empt it by adapting,’ claimed Big Lil of the T(r)uck Shop eatery, A49, Ludlow. ‘But when I ask my customers if they want their eggs over-easy they look at me as if I’ve gone mad.’

‘The full English is just the start,’ warns Katona, ‘next it’ll be our other much-loved brekkies – porridge, cereal, left over pizzas – it’s the thin end of the wedge.’ Save our Sausage also claims that Kraft plan to outsource the cooking of breakfast components to foreign companies, leaving just a small plant in the UK to assemble the parts into the frying pan. ‘Have you tried American bacon? It just doesn’t taste the same does it?’

 (Written by me and my chum Edward Hack 14 Jan 2009)

‘Fuck buddies’ to get common-law status

Booty calls are set to become a lot more expensive and legally binding, after the government announced that all ‘friends with privileges’ are to automatically count as cohabiting ‘common-law’ partners.

‘Thousands of people in this country are having sexual intercourse with friends and acquaintances on a casual, no-strings-attached basis,’ Gordon Brown told parliament today. ‘This situation is blatantly unfair to the majority of decent Britons, who shoulder the burden of loving, emotionally connected relationships while these, er, ‘fudge buddies’ go at it, frankly, like rabbits, without so much as a by-your-leave.’

Despite the fact that common-law status affords absolutely no legal protection to a cohabiting couple, the move has generated vocal criticism from sexually active singletons. ‘It used to be great,’ said one unattached female, ‘when I called my friend Darren he’d come over and scratch my itch, no questions asked, but since this announcement he’s got his feet up with a paper before I’ve dropped my dressing gown to the floor.’

‘My piece of ‘occasional’ has changed out of all recognition,’ another single Briton concurred, ‘what little sex I get nowadays is preceded by several hours of rearranging my furniture and putting up knick-knacks. Whereas before we’d spend Sunday mornings in a sweaty heap of post-clubbing bed boogie, I’m now up at some unseemly hour trawling B&Q for suitable shelving – plus my single occupancy tax rebate has gone for a burden!’

Despite this opposition, the government is determined to push through appropriate legislation, encouraged by overwhelming support from across the political spectrum, with the exception of a handful of Tory backbenchers and an abstention from Northern Ireland.

(Written 14 Jan 2009)

‘Loan shark’ Vorderman embarks on mathematics road show

‘Thinking man’s crumpet’ Carol Vorderman has kicked off her role as the head of the Conservative’s maths task force by embarking on a tour of Britain’s schools and colleges. However the content of her lectures and the methods employed have caused controversy among parent and teacher groups.

“I went to one of her seminars with my daughter.” said one concerned mother. “Carol started off by saying how she intended to take the ‘fear’ out of maths, which sounded fair enough. But alarm bells started ringing when she continued: ‘and you can lose that fear with a First-Plus loan!’ She then launched into a high-pressure sales pitch about competitive interest rates and repayment schemes. My Christina would have signed up to a £5, 000 loan for a new Hannah Montana playset if I hadn’t been there to intervene!”

Vorderman has defended her actions by claiming that young people can gain a greater understanding of maths if using it in practical situations. “Pythagoras’ theorem, differentiation and quadratic equations are all very well, but they’re abstract ideas. Kids of today need real-life mathematical concepts, like how much money they can borrow with First-Plus’ amazingly low APR.”

The former co-host of Countdown has further angered opponents by introducing special ‘pre-school secured loan’ scheme for children under five. “Whether it’s money for the tuck shop or an over-garage Wendy house extension, you can make it happen with First-Plus. Please note failure to keep up repayments may result in repossession of toys, school books or bikes. Vorderman-First-Plus Finance ltd. is a subsidiary of Mitchell Bros. Debt Enforcement PLC.”

(Written 5 Feb 2009)

Al Qaeda planning ‘Police Academy 8 atrocity’

Islamic terrorists are hatching an atrocity so heinous that the morale of the entire western world could be sent crashing into a black hole of despair, it has been revealed. American intelligence sources are warning cinema-goers to be on their guard, after agents discovered evidence at Al Qaeda is in the preliminary stages of filming a new Police Academy movie.

According to Frank Deltour of Homeland Security, alarm bells first began to ring after a number of suspected militants were spotted taking continuity photographs along the Afghan/Pakistan border. ‘The presence of that weedy nerd with glasses and the really tall one hinted that this was no ordinary beheading to be posted on the internet, but something far more sinister,’ he told a Senate committee.

More concrete evidence was obtained from a laptop belonging to Detroit-bound would-be suicide bomber Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab. ‘In addition to a number of harrowing storyboards we found a list of former Hollywood stars, including Steve Gutenberg and Bobcat Goldthwaite, all with a reputation for making horrific celluloid travesties. ‘It wasn’t hard to put two and two together – the implications were chilling.’

Given a working title of Police Academy 8: Mission to Martyrdom, the movie tells the story of a group of hapless police cadets, who travel to Afghanistan and overcome their various deficiencies to launch a bloody wave of suicide bombings against pro-Karzai forces, ‘with hilarious consequences’.

Since the announcement, a trailer for the film has been sent to Al Jazeera. Following a number of scenes from the rushes, a masked militant warns ‘America, her lapdog allies and that dirtbag Mauser’ against further operations against his co-religionists, in a lengthy harangue interspersed with sound effects and funny noises.

(Written 11 Jan 2009)