A tenfold increase in grit excavation, carried out during the recent snap of cold weather in Britain, has completely hollowed out planet Earth, a leading geologist has revealed.
Professor Martin Lister and his team made the discovery while probing for seams of rock salt at Tintwistle Knarr Quarry, Derbyshire, at the behest of the local council. ‘Our descent into the salt beds seemed to take a lot longer than is usual,’ he told reporters, ‘in fact we had to send out for more rope.’
Suspicions that what was initially thought to be a ‘bloody big cave’ was actually a hollowed-out cavity where the Earth’s core used to be, were raised when Lister collided with an Australian surveyor spelunking the other way. ‘It transpires that he was also looking for grit – to sell to us Brits for the next time it gets a bit chilly.’
A heated debate now rages regarding what to do with the massive void. Suggestions include lining the underside of the Earth’s crust to create a massive velodrome in time for the 2012 Olympics, opening Britain’s first national ball pit for young children or leaving it empty for all the detritus swilled off the nation’s vehicles in the post-winter car wash to run into.
Despite this difference of opinion, most commentators have been unanimous in their condemnation of the BNP’s plans to use the space to house the UK’s immigrant population in the abyss. Even other nationalists have blasted the idea, believing that the mutated, Morlockesque descendants of this displaced underground population would eventually erupt through the surface and claim the country as their own. ‘We don’t want ‘em,’ said one BNP member, ‘bloody white bastards coming ‘ere and taking our jobs.’
(Written 2 Feb 2010)