In a stirring speech made during a visit to the Borehamwood Women’s Institute today, David Cameron added substance to his dream of a ‘big society’ by volunteering to wipe his own sphincter following every trip to the bathroom.
The Prime Minister told the assembled audience of mainly middle-aged WI members and guildswomen that it had always been his intention to lead by example: ‘papering over the crack, rather than expecting the state to shoulder the burden, is what the Big Society is all about.’
Cameron was given an impromptu chance to give a practical demonstration of his beliefs when a planned question-and-answer session had to be abandoned after a WI member who volunteered to wire up the microphone was accidentally electrocuted. Seizing the moment, the Prime Minister took the opportunity to go to the lavatory unaccompanied, retuning a few minutes later to an appreciative applause.
He then went on to outline the cost savings accrued by such a move: ‘doing away with the role of Prime Ministerial hygiene assistant saves the public purse £30,000 per annum. However I have asked André to show some community spirit and stay on in an unofficial coiffurial capacity, as no-one gets that shine quite as good as he does.’
The coalition leader also described how he was also preparing, after a successful three-week trial, to clean his own teeth, trim his own nails and even make his own bed, despite a number of issues regarding the comfort of his official government-issue pillow. ‘Regarding this I am currently seeking some sympathetic soul to offer their services as my personal fluffer,’ he told the assembly, shortly before being ushered off the stage for fear of being crushed by the ensuing mob of eager volunteers.