Aardman Animations, the production company behind the popular Wallace and Gromit films, as well as the movie Chicken Run and children’s television show Shaun the Sheep, has announced that it is diversifying its output by branching out into pornography.
‘It’s an uncertain time for film makers, especially those in niche markets such as us,’ said head animator Derek Plumridge. ‘The demand for quirky British clay animation is steadily falling as the people who commission such things tighten their belts, whereas the demand for hard-core pornography has sky-rocketed. It’s only logical that we turn our talents towards getting a slice of that red-hot plasticine pie.’
‘Hard Cheese’, Aardman’s first adult production, tells the tale of Cuthbert Clutterbuck, a mild-mannered inventor who stumbles upon a plot by evil dominatrix Jemima Jello to replace the world’s entire stock of his beloved Wensleydale cheese with Jello’s own brand of processed ‘plasticheese’. ‘In the course of his adventures he meets cheese aficionado Beryl Brie – a girl after his own heart,’ Plumridge revealed, ‘it’s essentially a love story – but with lots of clay-mation sex, obviously.’
However industry insiders have reported that the filming has already been plagued with problems. ‘Creating a sex scene using the stop-motion technique is a painstaking and time-consuming business,’ admitted Plumridge. ‘Each pelvic thrust can take over five hours to complete as the model’s groin is slowly inched forward. When you take into consideration the effort it takes to get a character’s gurning expression exactly right, the lead up to the money-shot can take weeks.’
‘The technical aspects of the movie are also proving rather irksome,’ he continued, ‘as we are having to modulate Jane Horrocks’ orgasmic squeals down to a pitch where they don’t sound like a mouse on helium, while it’s taking much longer than anticipated to lube up each three inch high figurine – and don’t get me started on fluffing with tweezers.’
It has also been alleged that the production team has also had troubles with some of the voiceover cast; most notably veteran actor Peter Sallis. ‘It is true that Peter has issues with the script, but you must remember that this isn’t exactly his usual line of work. Trying to say ‘yeah baby, take it in the ass, eurgh, eurgh’ and make it sound convincing, whilst maintaining an aura of gentle northern homeliness is no mean feat for any actor, let alone an nonogenarian.’