Britain’s once sleepy countryside has been thrust into the forefront of the communications revolution, with the adoption of social networking tools such as Twitter by the nation’s village idiots.
Prolific bloggers have gained hordes of followers: popular Norfolk idiot ‘@Dougie’ regularly holds thousands in rapt attention with tweets like ”ello Brian, you not trouserin” today?’, ‘Bloody Rich Tea biscuits – I told ‘em!’ and ‘The buggers! Hahahahaha!’ ‘It’s like a window into a whole new world,’ one subscriber revealed, ‘an insight into the simple, uncomplicated life experienced by people whose brains are permanently in neutral.’
Reports of mentally disadvantaged inbreeds spasmodically tapping on their Balckberries, iPhones and notebooks in the corner of pubs, bus shelters and on stiles have skyrocketed in recent months, while traditional idiot pursuits such as incoherent babbling, unsettling ear-to-ear grins and shaking ones fists at the moon appear to be on the wane – a development which worries many rural commentators.
‘Muck covered, smock wearing imbeciles have been a feature in our rural areas for centuries,’ explained sociologist Deborah Shanwick. ‘Village idiots perform an important social function among close-knit societies by providing a lowest common denominator against which we can anchor our own standing within the community. Their increasing use of cutting edge technology is threatening to undermine this delicate balance.’
Hilda Thorpe, postmistress in the pretty Wiltshire village of Lower Cradley agrees: ‘As a source of entertainment, ridicule and occasionally mild embarrassment, our village idiot Harry Bunn has been second to none. But seeing the ease at which he flicks his nicotine-stained finger around that new phone thingie of his makes us all feel uncomfortable to be honest – most of us can’t even program our own video recorders, let alone send a text from the middle of a field.’
‘It’s definitely a problem around here,’ concurred another resident, ‘we used to keep our kids away from Harry for fear of them catching fleas, but nowadays he’s the only person in the area who knows how to successfully crack apps – whatever that means – and can regularly be seen shambling along the lanes with an entourage of admiring teenagers in tow. The youth group’s gone for a Burton for a start.’
Others however have hailed these cognitively challenged individuals as pioneers and leading lights in the spread of wireless connectivity in rural Britain. ‘The likes of @Dougie and Harry Bunn are digital adventurers,’ said Paul Bonfield, head of BT’s 3rd Generation Networks team, ‘and with speeds of up to 50Mb/s, we are constantly pushing the boundaries of what village idiots can do.’
‘Eeeeoooohpiggypoooo!’ countered @Dougie in his latest tweet, ‘we’re miles form the nearest exchange and the crappy aluminium cable network hasn’t been updated for years. 50Mb/s broadband round ‘ere? And ‘e calls me a bloody idiot!’