Disaster as ‘Come Dine With Me’ narrator hosts own dinner party

Friends and relatives of Dave Lamb, narrator of the popular Channel 4 lifestyle show ‘Come Dine With Me’, have expressed concern for his safety after the comedian, actor and voiceover artiste stormed out of his Surrey home last night following a ‘disastrous’ dinner party.

Guests, including Pete Gibbons, a cameraman for the show – where four amateur chefs compete against each other by hosting a dinner party for the other contestants – were initially flattered to be invited to Lamb’s soiree. ‘In the six years I’ve been working on ‘CDWM’, I’ve never even met Dave, let alone be invited to dine with him, so I was really looking forward to it.’ However things quickly went downhill – ‘he answered the door and greeted me warmly, but then proceeded to put his hand to his mouth and say, in his well-known narrator’s voice, ‘no wine Pete? Cheapskate!’ I tried to laugh it off as a joke but, y’know, it was a bit weird, especially as I’d brought a bottle of Lambrusco with me.’

With all the guests arrived Lamb reportedly left them to introduce themselves while he began to assemble his starter. ‘He gave each of us a printout of his menu, and asked us to comment on it,’ recalled production assistant Laura Mayer. ‘I was having a bit of trouble pronouncing the first course when all of a sudden a voice boomed out ‘it’s ‘halloumi!’ tch!’ I looked around and there was Dave, crouching behind the sofa, talking into his hand. Before I could say anything he was up and into the kitchen, yelling ‘Dave adds a little dressing to his –halloumi- salad and it’s ready to serve!’ He was beginning to freak us all out by then, but in all fairness it was pretty good.’

‘Things went from bad to worse with the main course,’ claimed sound man Roger Wellard, ‘which Dave introduced by muttering the words ‘Dave then serves the Cod Florentine – well, the bits that the cats hasn’t eaten – to his unsuspecting guests.’ I felt pretty sick and I bloody well told him so. He looked at me blankly and then said into his hand: ‘uh-oh, looks like you’ve been rumbled Dave.’ To which Pete screamed ‘stop talking to yourself in the third person you idiot!’’

By now Lamb was in full flow, allegedly narrating everything he did. ‘It was a nightmare,’ said Gibbons. ‘Dave scrapes the uneaten fish into the bin’, ‘Dave serves his shop-bought trifle out of the fridge’, ‘Dave gets an eyeful of Laura’s cleavage,’ ‘Dave wipes the trifle off his face’ – he just wouldn’t stop. Suddenly he’s back in the room with a platter full of money. Then he tells us he’s in fourth place with only fifteen points and the next thing you know he’s chucking the money in the air yelling ‘it’s my show – MY BLOODY SHOW!’ before running out the house, narrating in an incoherent gibber.’

Surrey police have confirmed that they are currently looking for a 42 year-old man matching Lamb’s description. Members of the public are advised not to approach this individual, especially for voiceover work. People with young children have been warned not – repeat: not – to watch Big Barn Farm for the foreseeable future.

Olympic stadium under guard after Millennium Dome shot by White Elephant hunters

Security in and around the new 2012 Olympic stadium in Stratford, East London, has been stepped up today after fears of an increase in white elephant poaching were confirmed following the discovery of the butchered corpse of the Millennium Dome.

Wardens, who discovered the slaughtered structure while patrolling the Greenwich peninsula in South East London, believe that poachers tracked and shot the Millennium Dome in the early hours of this morning. ‘By the time we got there it was too late,’ lamented head warden Trevor McCormac, ‘she’d obviously been hacked up and was left to lie there, haemorrhaging money – it’s barbaric.’

The Millennium Dome, or O2 Arena as she’s fondly known by locals, is not the first white elephant to be slaughtered by poachers in recent years. As recently as last December, the butchered carcass of West Midlands Regional Fire Centre was discovered in Wolverhampton. Conservationists, such as Dr. Maria Shaw of the British White Elephant trust, believe that the killings show a worrying increase in the illegal superstructure trade. ‘The demand for ironwork in China and the Far East is becoming ever more insatiable. While that demand lasts, these beautiful budget-busting creatures are severely under threat.’

‘The White Elephant (Carbunculus Expensiveii) and its cousins the Vanity Project and the common or garden Folly have roamed Britain for thousands of years,’ said Shaw. ‘From the Aylesbury Circle to Spaghetti Junction these magnificent institutions have lumbered across the country, casually consuming tax-payers’ money and fearing only the predations of the government auditor. But if we don’t act soon these gentle monsters will become extinct – and then what’ll we have to complain about?’

In an effort to protect the few remaining native white elephants, the British Architectural Society is hiring hundreds of new wardens to protect these expensive eyesores. From the Liverpool Ferry Terminal to the Cambridgeshire Guided Busway, guards have been patrolling round-the-clock, pausing only to collect donations for renovation work. Meanwhile, Ranger McCormac is confident that his team will be able to keep the Olympic Stadium, Britain’s newest arrival in the white elephant family, safe from harm: ‘the Olympic Park is fast becoming home to a veritable herd of white elephants and we are dedicated to protecting them – a ten-million pound overspend and a crippling completion penalty cause notwithstanding.’