The rapid descent of Britain’s inner cities into a seething pressure cooker of poverty, fear and violence has inspired a South London entrepreneur to ‘cut out the middleman’ by offering classes on how to menace, rob with violence and generally inflict grievous bodily harm upon oneself.
‘Crime statistics show that you’re ever more likely to get done over,’ claimed businessman and former cage fighter Perez Wilson. ‘It’s high time we took back our streets – depriving those vicious thugs that roam them of their livelihood by assaulting ourselves before they can get to us, thus leaving them with nothing to rob. It’s a form of empowerment – to paraphrase Mike ‘The Streets’ Skinner, -do- mug yourself.’
Potential victims are already flocking to the karate blackbelt’s Southwark Dojo, where Wilson offers a number of modules, from Self-Intimidation and the Correct Wearing of a Hooded Top, right through to Staging a Stabbing or Shoot-out in Your Own Home. ‘The results speak for themselves,’ he said. ‘Time after time my customers have staggered bleeding through a dark alleyway with absolute impunity. The crooks can only look on powerless – occasionally offering medical assistance to some of our more advanced students.’
Some have accused Wilson and his acolytes of taking things too far, claiming that A&E wards across London are reaching meltdown due to the large numbers of self-assaulted people. ‘It’s pandemonium every night,’ claimed one junior doctor. ‘We’re seeing patients who’ve blacked their own eye, broken their nose or cracked a few of their own ribs – we even had one nutter last weekend who robbed his own store and then set himself alight – which was particularly annoying as I was hoping to help myself to a Blu-Ray player on the way home.’
Wilson however remains unrepentant: ‘yes my customers are injuring themselves, but in doing so they’re sending a message to that whole sub-strata of society that thinks it’s okay to rob innocent people. At long last the general public is standing up for itself – if they want to beat themselves up and then flog their mobile to some dodgy Nigerian then there’s nothing the criminals can do about it. This is about self-assertion, not self-abuse – that’s a whole different kettle of fish and you’re likely to get arrested if you do that in the street mate.’