The Prime Minister has warned pro-Europeans within the coalition that greater financial integration into the Eurozone would destabilise the pink pound and force the nation to go ‘gay for pay’.

‘Just as straight actors in the adult film industry appear in homosexual movies in order to earn some extra ready cash, so the British economy becoming Euro-curious would make us increasingly vulnerable to the raving lenders in northern Europe,’ Cameron told Europhile colleagues.

In a no-holds-barred message, Cameron cited the example of Greece, which was obliged to literally ‘go Greek’ last year. ‘Athens is now on the receiving end of its creditors – from the bears in Scandinavia, all the way across to the Pacific rim. Closer to home, Ireland is also fully beholden to its Johns and must repeatedly go cap – in this case a peaked black leather one – in hand.’

The Prime Minister has strongly denied accusations of homophobia: ‘some of my best friends are European finance ministers – I have no problem with what they do, so long as it’s done with consenting sovereign states in the privacy of their own economic sphere, but it’s simply something that I’m not comfortable with.

Cameron’s warning has been fully endorsed by the Spanish government. ‘It’s not just a case of putting scatter cushions around the place or playing songs from the shows,’ said a spokesman for the Ministerio de Economía y Hacienda. We bent over backwards but riding bareback with the Germans is no laughing matter – have you any idea what the kind of stuff they’re into? Thank God we’ve got France acting as a lucky Pierre; without them as intermediary we wouldn’t be able to look Europe in the face.’

With manly handshakes to Quaz and Gerontius

High street coffee outlet chain Costa Coffee has announced that, following a successful pilot scheme in Manchester, they will be offering coffee enemas to their customers.

‘People have been cleansing themselves with coffee enemas for centuries,’ explained spokesperson Tana Morrison. ‘And at Costa we’re all about coffee, so for us this is a natural progression. As of Friday, patrons will be able to flush out their systems with a refreshing Cappuccino, douse their digestive tract with a milky Latte or pump themselves full of a sultry Mocha.’

However the scheme has already drawn criticism from some quarters, with customers alleging that the enema options were not properly explained. ‘All I did was pop in for my usual morning pick-me-up,’ complained office worker Nigel Storridge. ‘Next thing you know they’re shoving a Macchiato up me jacksie! Thank god that shot of hazelnut syrup helped lube things up else I’d be sitting in a puddle of foam right now. Oh, and Costa, a word to the wise: complementary Biscotti – bad idea…’

Medical researchers at the prestigious Edinburgh University have made a breakthrough in the fight against overly attractive people after discovering that simultaneously applying popular deodorants Lynx and Impulse renders the wearer completely unattractive to both sexes – thus creating what scientists term a sexual null point.

According to lead researcher Professor Soren Lorensen, his team were surprised at how this simple solution worked. ‘The Lynx effect is an long-established phenomenon that drives women mad with desire, whilst it is well know that men can’t help acting on Impulse. Bringing such two efficacious compounds together should have created a formidable aphrodisiac, but in fact it’s exactly the opposite – the two deodorants actually cancel each other out, forming a pheromonal vacuum.’

Sorensen recently revealed his motivation in the quest for unattractiveness: ‘being a tall, blonde Scandinavian who works out regularly is a major hindrance when it comes to the serious world of medical science – have you ever tried searching for a cure for cancer when all your assistants keep swooning at you? This new discovery is the holy grail for attractive scientists such as myself – I can now get on with my important work without having to fend off awkward misunderstandings from Barry in genetics.’

However many have accused Sorensen and his team of playing God and meddling in matters which no man aught. ‘What’s wrong with a stranger impulsively buying a woman flowers?’ asked fellow scientist Professor Sheila Dunn. ‘I certainly wouldn’t complain – it’s not easy to meet a man when you spend most of your life crouched over a mass spectrometer. The last person to buy me flowers was my mother after my team failed to make the qualifying stages of University Challenge.’

Others have blasted the research as ‘hokum’, claiming that the discovery has nothing to do with medical science but is merely an unconscious reaction to hygiene product advertising. ‘It’s very sad that such an eminent scientist could be so easily swayed by two well-known advertisement campaigns,’ said TV physicist Dr. Brian Cox. ‘It only goes to show that even some of our most brilliant minds are just as susceptible to product placement as ordinary people. How far the mighty have fallen: I have nothing but pity for the man – simples.’

…on behalf of the Abandoned Shower Gel Foundation.

Every year thousands of bottles of shower gel are being abandoned – left to gather dust in bathroom cabinets, corner shower shelving units and the back of the sock drawer.

Given as presents by unthinking wives and aunties, these innocent shower gels are left neglected by their owners: unopened, unused, unloved – except when someone forgets to replenish the soap. Many are sold as part of a two pack with some deodorant, which is quickly used while the shower gel can only look on forlornly.

But there is hope.

The Abandoned Shower Gel Foundation is dedicated to finding new homes for these poor semi-liquids. Every day we rescue hundreds of bottles of shower gel from middle aged men and re-house them with younger people; those more caring about their washing routine, grooming products and personal odour.

But we cannot continue without your help. Please give as much as you can to the Abandoned Shower Gel Foundation – just £2.50 will pay for the postage to send a bottle of Lynx Africa wash gel to someone who showers more than once a week, doesn’t prefer Imperial Leather and/or would rather a nice bath.

Please give generously and remember, a bottle of shower gel is not just for Christmas (and possibly your birthday).

Shoppers of frozen foods at Waitrose are in for a treat as of today, for the upmarket superstore chain will be offering a free cuddle to anyone who ‘looks a bit chilly’ after emerging from the freezer aisle.

‘In these warm summer months we have customers coming into our stores wearing shorts and T-shirts,’ revealed marketing manager Lorraine Tudor. ‘Which is fine until you get to the frozen goods section – the amount of people we see visibly shivering while they pick up their Hagen Daas – having a cuddly member of staff in a thick woolly jumper to give them a hug is yet another example why Waitrose is top when it comes to the shopping experience.’

Consumer groups have welcomed the move: ‘the free hug is a fantastic innovation, and great value for money too,’ said Mike Carpenter of Which? Magazine. ‘Normally you have to pay for that sort of thing. Now all we need to do is find the store with the most attractive women and/or pray to God that Anne Summers takes note and starts a similar scheme.’

‘Crime statistics show that you’re ever more likely to get done over,’ claimed businessman and former cage fighter Perez Wilson. ‘It’s high time we took back our streets – depriving those vicious thugs that roam them of their livelihood by assaulting ourselves before they can get to us, thus leaving them with nothing to rob. It’s a form of empowerment – to paraphrase Mike ‘The Streets’ Skinner, -do- mug yourself.’

Potential victims are already flocking to the karate blackbelt’s Southwark Dojo, where Wilson offers a number of modules, from Self-Intimidation and the Correct Wearing of a Hooded Top, right through to Staging a Stabbing or Shoot-out in Your Own Home. ‘The results speak for themselves,’ he said. ‘Time after time my customers have staggered bleeding through a dark alleyway with absolute impunity. The crooks can only look on powerless – occasionally offering medical assistance to some of our more advanced students.’

Some have accused Wilson and his acolytes of taking things too far, claiming that A&E wards across London are reaching meltdown due to the large numbers of self-assaulted people. ‘It’s pandemonium every night,’ claimed one junior doctor. ‘We’re seeing patients who’ve blacked their own eye, broken their nose or cracked a few of their own ribs – we even had one nutter last weekend who robbed his own store and then set himself alight – which was particularly annoying as I was hoping to help myself to a Blu-Ray player on the way home.’

Wilson however remains unrepentant: ‘yes my customers are injuring themselves, but in doing so they’re sending a message to that whole sub-strata of society that thinks it’s okay to rob innocent people. At long last the general public is standing up for itself – if they want to beat themselves up and then flog their mobile to some dodgy Nigerian then there’s nothing the criminals can do about it. This is about self-assertion, not self-abuse – that’s a whole different kettle of fish and you’re likely to get arrested if you do that in the street mate.’

‘In these warm summer months we have customers coming into our stores wearing shorts and T-shirts,’ revealed marketing manager Lorraine Tudor. ‘Which is fine until you get to the frozen goods section – the amount of people we see visibly shivering while they pick up their Hagen Daas – having a cuddly member of staff in a thick woolly jumper to give them a hug is yet another example why Waitrose is top when it comes to the shopping experience.’

Consumer groups have welcomed the move: ‘the free hug is a fantastic innovation, and great value for money too,’ said Mike Carpenter of Which? Magazine. ‘Normally you have to pay for that sort of thing. Now all we need to do is find the store with the most attractive women and/or pray to God that Anne Summers takes note and starts a similar scheme.’

Performers and fans alike are celebrating today after a nationwide poll officially named rock ‘n’ roll as the new rock ‘n’ roll.

Rock ‘n’ roll was knocked from its 50 year place in pole position by Comedy, which was proclaimed the new rock ‘n’ roll in the early 1990’s after years of touring the stand-up circuit. However comedy proved unable to capitalise on its new role as über -cool zeitgeist and lost out to a succession of other contenders. Cookery, interior design, Crazy Frog and eating testicles in a jungle all briefly held the number one spot.

According to experts such as NME editor Skinz Robertson, the late resurgence of rock ‘n’ roll is a response to what is perceived to be a nadir in popular cultural phenomenon. ‘To my mind the rot started when Brian Cox stepped away from his keyboard and started mucking around with quarks and stuff. Once particle physics became the new ‘n’ roll I think the nation woke up and realised we had reached the bottom of the barrel. Particle bloody physics! I mean come on!’

Music icon and early rock ‘n’ roll proponent Joe Brown has urged fans against complacency now their favourite genre is back at the top of the hit parade: ‘we can’t rest on our laurels guys or something else will come along to knock us off our perch. If you kids don’t keep this wagon rolling then suddenly carp fishing, needlepoint, yogurt or whatever will become the new rock ‘n’ roll and we’ll be left with an old pair of brothel creepers, a silly haircut and poor hearing.’

However in the main, rock legends from across Britain have enthusiastically welcomed the result: ‘this is fantastic news,’ said Rolling Stones front-man Mick Jagger. ‘It’s like rock ‘n’ roll has come home to roost and reclaim its position as the raw, edgy and innovative art form that it once was. Plus it’s a great excuse to drink, take drugs and sleep around without looking like sad old farts desperate to relive our youth – by the way, what’s Marianne Faithfull up to nowadays?’

Preparations are already afoot for this great national bunk-off, with breweries trebling their usual output to cope with the increase in alcohol consumption and food producers working flat-out to satisfy the projected demand for battered fish, steak and kidney and scampi in a basket – a consequence of the sharp rise in Friday lunch time ’pint and a pie’ meal deals. The police, fire brigade and ambulance crews will also be on full alert, with the public being asked to co-operate with the emergency services by not having an accident until Monday morning at the earliest.

The occasion is predicted to eclipse the success of even last week’s mass skive, claims Sociologist Dr. Brian Hancock, who believes the phenomenon has spread exponentially across the country. ‘In earlier times POETS day was essentially limited to workers in the capital, but with financial pressures forcing the workforce to work harder for less, more and more people are adopting the ‘sod this for a game of soldiers’ attitude so reminiscent of the surly Londoner when the weekend peeps over the horizon.’

For many, POETS day is not so much an excuse for the traditional Friday pint, but a chance to take some much-needed time out from the rat-race. ‘I’ll probably use the time off to take the kids to the park or do some shopping with the wife,’ revealed Holborn-based BT engineer Trevor Rushgrove. ‘Unless they’ve got a stripper on at the Spaniard’s Arms, in which case I’ll probably pop down there for a bevy or two.’

Business leaders have slammed the rising ‘part-timer’ culture that POETS day has come to represent, with prominent economists accusing organisers of doing the country out of millions of pounds of potential revenue. ‘It may seem like a harmless Friday afternoon down the boozer,’ said John Cridland, director-general of the CBI, ‘but the losses incurred by these workshy layabouts are staggering. I am currently unable to provide you with an exact figure however, as I will be out of the office until the end of September.’

Top-hatted mystery-solver extraordinaire, Professor Hershel Layton, has astounded fans of hand-hand console puzzle games by admitting that, despite his impressive track record in unravelling conundrums, he has yet to decipher the workings of his 1995 Hitachi AX-13 video cassette recorder.

‘Solving the strange case of the Curious Village was child’s play compared to getting that bloody thing to work’, revealed the professor of archaeology at London-based Gressenheller University. ‘I’m ashamed to say that thanks to my inability to master the arcane art of programming, I’ve missed practically every episode of Countdown. It’s just no good – there’s no facility to save one’s progress, read all the hints and then reload like I normally do when I get stuck and I’ve even tried looking up the answers in the internet, but this is one conundrum I just can’t crack.’

In reaction to the storm of anger and derision that this admission has provoked, Layton’s apprentice Luke Triton has stepped in to defend his mentor. ‘The Professor is not as young as he used to be and brainteasers are becoming increasingly sophisticated in today’s technological age. Plus the AX-13 is a notoriously difficult machine to operate, especially when you factor in the switchover from analogue to digital. I’ve suggested scrapping the thing for a decent Blu-Ray recorder or PVR, but when Professor Layton gets his teeth into a riddle he refuses to give up – he didn’t switch from Betamax to VHS until 1991.’

In a last-ditch attempt to solve the Annoying Case of the Non-User-Friendly Video Recorder, Layton has admitted to seeking professional help among the eggheads at the prestigious Big Brain Academy. ‘In desperation I contacted fellow puzzleologist Dr. Kawashima,’ he revealed. ‘But when he opened the door he just sneered and said ‘it’s been six months since you last came to see me – let’s see what your brain age is now eh?’ in that sarky tone of his. I’ve a good mind to give up puzzles altogether and try something a little less cerebral – does anyone have any batteries for a Wii-Fit balance board? I’ve got one gathering dust on top of the wardrobe.’