Al Qaeda planning ‘Police Academy 8 atrocity’

Islamic terrorists are hatching an atrocity so heinous that the morale of the entire western world could be sent crashing into a black hole of despair, it has been revealed. American intelligence sources are warning cinema-goers to be on their guard, after agents discovered evidence at Al Qaeda is in the preliminary stages of filming a new Police Academy movie.

According to Frank Deltour of Homeland Security, alarm bells first began to ring after a number of suspected militants were spotted taking continuity photographs along the Afghan/Pakistan border. ‘The presence of that weedy nerd with glasses and the really tall one hinted that this was no ordinary beheading to be posted on the internet, but something far more sinister,’ he told a Senate committee.

More concrete evidence was obtained from a laptop belonging to Detroit-bound would-be suicide bomber Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab. ‘In addition to a number of harrowing storyboards we found a list of former Hollywood stars, including Steve Gutenberg and Bobcat Goldthwaite, all with a reputation for making horrific celluloid travesties. ‘It wasn’t hard to put two and two together – the implications were chilling.’

Given a working title of Police Academy 8: Mission to Martyrdom, the movie tells the story of a group of hapless police cadets, who travel to Afghanistan and overcome their various deficiencies to launch a bloody wave of suicide bombings against pro-Karzai forces, ‘with hilarious consequences’.

Since the announcement, a trailer for the film has been sent to Al Jazeera. Following a number of scenes from the rushes, a masked militant warns ‘America, her lapdog allies and that dirtbag Mauser’ against further operations against his co-religionists, in a lengthy harangue interspersed with sound effects and funny noises.

(Written 11 Jan 2009)

Al-Qaeda show their funny side by releasing blooper reel

Islamic terrorist organisation al-Qaeda has given the West a rare glimpse into the lighter side of fundamentalist terror by releasing new video footage.  This material, broadcast on Al-Jazeera last night, shows a series of ‘You’ve Been Framed’ style blunders, bloopers and hilarious mishaps, accompanied by wacky music and what seems to be a separately-recorded laugh track. 

 Intelligence experts have been scrutinising the footage, which in the main shows various masked men tripping over during training sessions, for clues as to the location of training camps.  Of particular interest is a scene where two terrorists are seen practicing a sledge-borne suicide bombing on a snow-covered hillside.  They are seen heading towards a clearly marked target, only to swerve off and crash into a bush, which showers them with snow. 

 Clues to the whereabouts of high-ranking al-Qaeda leaders might also be found on the video, where Osama bin Laden and his deputies make an occasional appearance.  Bin Laden is seen berating the West for its apparent support of Israel during the recent fighting in Gaza.  He then attempts to praise Hamas for it’s defiance by saying: ‘I would like to spank our Palestinian brothers, who-’ before a sniggering cameraman alerts him to his mistake. 

 Ayman al-Zawahiri, al-Qaeda’s Deputy Operations Chief, also goofs for the camera during the proclamation of a fatwa against world leaders: ‘They must all die for their crimes against Islam – Shimon Peres, Ehud Olmert, Gordon Brown…  oh, who’s the new guy, whatsisname? Obama!’ Meanwhile Abu Ayyub al-Masri, the senior leader of al-Qaeda in Iraq is seen being punched in the groin by a toddler. 

 The video also shows insights into the mindset of al-Qaeda’s rank-and-file members, including a clumsy Taliban fighter dropping an improvised explosive device on his foot, a bumbling Yemeni militant running face-first into a Saudi checkpoint barrier and a masked female suicide bomber corpsing during her martyrdom testimony.

 (Written 11 Feb 2009. Was rather narked to discover that someone had already used this idea as a Newsbiscuit front page!)