Islamic terrorists are hatching an atrocity so heinous that the morale of the entire western world could be sent crashing into a black hole of despair, it has been revealed. American intelligence sources are warning cinema-goers to be on their guard, after agents discovered evidence at Al Qaeda is in the preliminary stages of filming a new Police Academy movie.
According to Frank Deltour of Homeland Security, alarm bells first began to ring after a number of suspected militants were spotted taking continuity photographs along the Afghan/Pakistan border. ‘The presence of that weedy nerd with glasses and the really tall one hinted that this was no ordinary beheading to be posted on the internet, but something far more sinister,’ he told a Senate committee.
More concrete evidence was obtained from a laptop belonging to Detroit-bound would-be suicide bomber Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab. ‘In addition to a number of harrowing storyboards we found a list of former Hollywood stars, including Steve Gutenberg and Bobcat Goldthwaite, all with a reputation for making horrific celluloid travesties. ‘It wasn’t hard to put two and two together – the implications were chilling.’
Given a working title of Police Academy 8: Mission to Martyrdom, the movie tells the story of a group of hapless police cadets, who travel to Afghanistan and overcome their various deficiencies to launch a bloody wave of suicide bombings against pro-Karzai forces, ‘with hilarious consequences’.
Since the announcement, a trailer for the film has been sent to Al Jazeera. Following a number of scenes from the rushes, a masked militant warns ‘America, her lapdog allies and that dirtbag Mauser’ against further operations against his co-religionists, in a lengthy harangue interspersed with sound effects and funny noises.
(Written 11 Jan 2009)