Archaeologists uncover last remaining Pop Tart

A team of archaeologists from the University of Bangor have discovered what is thought to be the world’s only extant Pop Tart. The jam-filled, toasted pastry parcels, which enjoyed a brief period of popularity in the UK during the late 1980′s, were thought to have died out after consumers began to tire of burning their chins with red-hot strawberry preserve.

After hearing tales of a lost Pop Tart deep in the Cambrian Mountains, Professor Julie Sudgen and her team were determined to prove this theory wrong. ‘According to legend, a sheep farmer dropped his toaster down a ravine before he had chance to extract his breakfast Pop Tart.’ she explained. ‘It’s a well-known fact that they can hold their heat for ages, so we hit upon the idea of scanning the area with a thermal imaging camera.’

Sure enough, 5 miles outside Machynlleth, a brilliant white glowing spot showed up on the camera. ‘We knew we were onto something but, due to the steaming pools of jam that covered the immediate area, were worried that the tart’s integrity may have been compromised. We couldn’t believe our eyes when we dug up a perfectly preserved Pop Tart, still with enough jam in it to be classed as intact – and it was still warm too, as my blistered fingers will attest.’

(Written in response to the great Newsbiscuit Neat-O challenge, 28 Sep 2009)

Filming of Time Team/Wrestling crossover descends into chaos

Filming of an experimental Time Team/World Wresting Experience crossover show was cancelled yesterday after a fracas developed over the discovery of a medieval stone structure.

The show, designed by Channel 4 bosses to improve flagging ratings and generate interest in archaeology in young people, was supposed to show glamorous American wrestling stars excavating alongside Tony Robinson and his team at a dig in the grounds of Hereford cathedral. 

Channel 4 insiders state that recording started genially enough, with the stars of the show Robinson, Mick Aston and Phil Harding seemingly unperturbed by the imposing presence of the giants of professional wrestling.  Both groups enjoyed exchanges of light banter as archaeologist and wrestler alike debated suitable dig locations in the Bishop’s Gardens, based on geo-phys results taken by former bodybuilder turned World Tag Team champion, ‘Mr.  USA’ Tony Atlas. 

Soon a number of trenches were carefully dug, courtesy of Mick ‘The Dig’ Worthington with the assistance of The Great Khali, his impressive 7 foot 3 inches frame showing as much contempt for the earth as the pythons and Bengal tigers he is reputed to have battled in India before unleashing his talents in the ring.  Trowels out, the combined teams painstakingly unearthed artefact after fragile artefact, including pottery shards, floor tiles and even a complete, though poorly preserved medieval slipper. 

As filming progressed, records expert Robin Bush pored through the crumbling tomes held within the cathedral’s famous chained library before treating a number of awed wrestlers to lecture on the Mappa Mundi: the amazing medieval world map, bought out of its protective casing especially for the occasion. 

It was during filming of this talk that crew members noticed that something was awry.  On the fringes of the dig site, colourfully masked wrestler Rey Mysterio and comeback veteran ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin had uncovered a stone structure.  ‘Mysterio was convinced that it was the remains of an earlier south transept wall.’ said a cameraman, ‘but Austin maintained that it was merely part of an outlying structure – an almshouse or somesuch.’

Tempers flared and soon the pair was grappling across the site, tumbling into trenches and scattering diggers and production crew alike.  According to witnesses Phil Harding’s trademark hat was sent flying as he was knocked over, whilst Mick and Tony were badly bruised as they vainly tried to pull the wrestlers apart., But they were unable to budge these battling warriors, who by now were getting perilously close to the priceless Mappa Mundi. 

‘I heard Robin shouting ‘please, someone stop them! Oh my god the map!” said the Bishop of Hereford who was looking on aghast.  ‘If Mysterio had used his trademark West Coast Pop at this point, Austin would have been sent spinning straight through the fragile sheet of velum and our priceless map would have been in tatters.’ Luckily, one quick-thinking member of the Time Team crew, historian Guy de la Bédoyère, stepped in just in time.  ‘All seemed lost, but suddenly, from out of nowhere, up pops Guy who, quick as a flash, twats both of them across the head with a shovel.’

Sadly by the time these wrestling titans had been subdued, time was rapidly running out and with light failing it was decided to abandon filming.  Archaeologically the experiment was a failure; however Channel 4 producers are unrepentant.  ‘It made bloody good television.’ said a spokesman.  In fact other channels have already started to sit up and take notice, with rumours that BBC1 has already filmed a pilot episode of ‘Songs of Praise East/West Coast Rap Wars’ at Salisbury Cathedral with Aled Jones and gangster rapper Krazee-Eyez Killah.

(Written 4 Mar 2009)

Archaeological discovery forces rethink of ‘sophisticated’ Neanderthal culture

Archaeologists working at a dig in Basildon, Essex have stumbled upon a series of finds that challenge currently-held theories about the cultural development of Neanderthal man. Once demonised as brutish, animalistic cavemen, many archaeologists now believe that Neanderthals were a more cultured and less primitive people than at first thought. Finds of stone and shell jewellery and ceremonial burial sites throughout Europe seem to support this theory.

 However the Basildon finds indicate that, in Britain at least, the original hypothesis might actually be correct. Or so thinks Professor Kenneth Morgan, leader of the dig: “We have unearthed compelling evidence that Neanderthal man was just as thuggish as was previously believed.” He and his team have highlighted two trenches where they believe the evidence is irrefutable.

 In trench A they discovered what seems to have been a meeting place, where local Neanderthals gathered to socially interact. “We found a pounded earth floor that could have only come about by centuries of dancing. Remains of torches indicate that this must have happened at night, when the females of the tribe were encouraged to cavort in prototype cages. We also excavated an area for serving beverages, a primitive cloakroom and a ticket booth.”

 Trench B held more compelling evidence. “Here we found prehistoric cooking equipment – a long vertical spit on a rotating platform, with a tray underneath to collect fats. We also discovered lurid cave-paintings of various dishes behind a stone serving counter and the fossilised remains of pickled green chillies. We can only conclude that this place was some kind of primitive kebab shop.”

 But it was the detritus found around these two sites that point to the Neanderthal’s savagery. “We found evidence of violence outside both the dance-floor and kebab house.” said Morgan. “There must have been a lot of fighting outside these establishments, judging by the broken bones, chipped teeth, ripped furs and spilled pints that we unearthed.”

 In another scientific breakthrough, Morgan and his team were able to extract DNA samples from these materials. “Comparing them with modern DNA proved conclusively that Neanderthal man did not die out, but lives alongside us to this day.” said Morgan. “Neanderthal genes show up particularly strongly in nightclub bouncers, premiership football players and, not surprisingly, young Conservatives.”

 (Written 29 Jan 2009)