Accidental broadcast of ‘Queen’s death’ dry-run leaves nation in turmoil

Britain and the Commonwealth were plunged into premature mourning yesterday when UK television stations accidentally broadcast a dry-run of the death of Queen Elizabeth II.  British TV channels work together on this dry-run every few years, filming programs, inserts and news bulletins to create a special day-long schedule of mourning in the unfortunate event of Her Majesty’s passing.  This year however the ‘Queen’s Death’ tapes somehow got mixed up with the normal television output and were broadcast to the nation. 

 The broadcast caused turmoil across the globe, while in the UK ordinary citizens were polarised as the news spread.  Some, like former BBC royal correspondent Jennie Bond were grief-stricken and inconsolable, while a surprisingly small minority, like current BBC royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell, reacted with indifference.  Roads, telephone lines and internet servers ground to a halt as world leaders and common subjects alike rushed to pay their respects. 

 Red-faced television bosses were summoned to a meeting with the CEO of OFCOM, not only to explain the mistake, but also to justify the mediocre quality of the material that was broadcast.  ITV aired ‘Elizabeth’, a tedious retrospective of Her Majesty’s life while the BBC showed a specially filmed episode of Eastenders.  Channels 4 and 5 jointly produced a rolling montage of funereal music set against a sombre backdrop while Sky One kept up a constant barrage of Cillit-Bang adverts and trailers for ‘Ross Kemp in Afghanistan’. 

 As it became obvious that a mistake had been made, the government moved to handle the crisis with a hurriedly-printed ‘Long-live the Queen’ leaflet campaign.  In the media newspaper editors, news producers and webmasters quickly moved to change their leading story to something about the weather.  Meanwhile comedians and satirists rapidly re-wrote their material, removing references of Greyfriar’s Bobby-style corgis, Matchmaker.com ads featuring Greek princes and the sound of party poppers at Clarence House.

 (Written 4 Feb 2009)

BBC in hot water again following new DJ complaints

The BBC is once more mired in controversy following a barrage of complaints against their latest radio DJ, Mark Shoesmith.  Shoesmith took over the morning slot from Chris Moyles three weeks ago and promised a radical new approach to the show.  Since then his on-air antics have resulted in thousands of angry calls. 

 ’I was disgusted.’ said one listener.  ‘I tuned in expecting some mindless prattle and unsophisticated braying – instead I got this Shoesmith guy, just playing records! He hardly said a word except to say what the last song was and who sang it.’

 Other listeners were equally shocked.  ‘He didn’t even have a posse! A DJ isn’t a DJ unless he’s got a production team pandering to his ego every five minutes.  Things got even worse when he introduced the traffic news – that’s just what he did: introduce the traffic news! No insulting banter to belittle the reporter, he just quickly and efficiently led into the report.’

 The volume of complaints reached its peak when Shoesmith introduced a celebrity interview slot.  ‘Things went from bad to worse – no fawning preamble, no arse-licking obsequiousness – just a series of pertinent questions.  That’s no good, I expect my DJs to practically offer his guests oral sex on air, not to be civil and politely enquiring!’

 Shoesmith’s lack of bad language and clear pronunciation also got listeners hot under the collar: ‘He didn’t even swear! The closest he got was ‘Oh bother I’ve dropped my pencil – sorry about that listeners.’ I mean, what kind of DJ does he think he is?’

 In a hurried damage-limitation exercise, the BBC was quick to show that it was acting upon these complaints.  ‘We have investigated Shoesmith’s behaviour with the utmost vigour and can confirm that he will face swift and decisive disciplinary action unless he sleeps with someone famous’ granddaughter in the next few days.’

 (Written in the wake of the Sachsgate scandal on 29 Jan 2009)

Rappers fury as Beeb edits ‘objectionable’ rap song into complete silence

The BBC has defended itself after controversial East-coast rap artist and producer K-Dawg expressed his anger at the censorship of his latest single ‘[withheld for legal reasons]‘. 

 After branding it ‘the most objectionable thing we’ve ever heard’, the BBC altered the song so much that fans tuning in for its first radio airing heard nothing but three minutes of utter silence. 

 ’We had no other option.’ Said Peter Frankin, head of BBC Standards and Guidelines, ‘We are morally and legally obliged to blank out any swearwords from everything we air on the radio.  In this case that meant ninety percent of the lyrics had to go.  Once we’d also taken out any references to drugs, violence, sexism, racism, homophobia, ageism, heightism and other offensive material, there were no words left at all.’

 ’Even then we still had a job on our hands.’ He continued, ‘K-Dawg had somehow managed to make both the bass-beat and melody sound offensive, while the middle-8 was positively repugnant!’ After this censorship ‘[withheld for legal reasons]‘ consisted of no audible sound whatsoever. 

 ’But we were still determined to play it.’ Continued Franklin, ‘The BBC prides itself on its wide range of musical coverage, including rap.  We needed to be considerate of Mr.  Dawg’s legions of fans and give this track the air-time it deserves.’

 In response to the BBC’s actions rapper K-Dawg left an angry video message in defence of his new record on his Facebook site: ‘Mutha ****’in ****’s gonna **** **** for this! Ain’t no good ****’in **** when a brutha’s tryin’ to **** **** ****.  My single’s the ****’s **** an’ no BBC’s gonna **** wid it for ****’in sho’! When I get hold of this ****’in Franklin guy I’m gonna get a great big **** with another **** tied to it and ****’n stick it right up his mutha ****’in [withheld for legal reasons].’

 (Written 19 Jan 2009)