Call for more murders following soap opera cancellation

Downtrodden husbands across the UK are demanding that murderers and serial killers ‘step up to the plate’ after it was announced that an episode of Coronation Street had to be cancelled in the wake of a recent shooting spree.

Oldham plasterer David Shewstone, 43, is one of the many British males calling for this escalation, after being forced to record the final episode of FlashForward while his wife watched the omnibus edition of Eastenders: ‘bloody typical that my recorder went and cut off the last few minutes, so I’m still none the wiser. Now I read that Eastenders’ producers had to re-shoot a scene when some bloke tries to strangle a prostitute ‘cos of what happened in the news – well I say keep it up lads and they’ll cancel the whole bloody thing!’

Retired Maidenhead milliner Colin Thrope echoes this sentiment: ‘I don’t get a look in on our telly. If it’s not Doctors it’s Neighbours, then it’s Hollyoaks or Emmerdale. I might get to watch a bit of cricket when Eastenders is on because the wife reckons it’s not the same since Dirty Den died, but then it’s back to repeats of Albion Market on UK Gold and I’m relegated to portable in the spare room again. I few choice swathes of bloody destruction that cleverly mirrored these programs would see a whole new world of TV viewing opened up to us blokes.’

The campaign to escalate the number of violent crimes in Britain has gained a greater urgency with the forthcoming World Cup, with many husbands vying for control of the TV remote during the tournament. ‘It’s imperative that soap opera production is delayed as much as possible while the footie’s on,’ claimed one frustrated viewer, ‘unless we lose to the USA, in which case the army of raving psychopaths we’ve encouraged to let themselves loose on innocent members of society can pack up their grisly tools and go back to quietly keeping themselves to themselves whilst seething with resentment – at least until the darts is on.’

TV bosses to axe The News

Broadcasting chiefs have announced that long-running television show The News is to be cancelled, with the final episode airing in the new year. Once seen as one of Britain’s favourite programs, generating ratings of over thirty million, The News has recently suffered from feeble viewing figures and a plummeting audience appreciation index.

Bill Sheard, a former producer on the show, lays the blame squarely at the feet of the series’ writers, citing their inability to come up with innovative and exciting storylines as the reason for the show’s decline. ‘They’re just recycling the same old material – look at one of the current sub-plots: British forces muscle in on some Middle-Eastern country to help set up a democratic government, which turns out to be just as corrupt as the previous one. Geez, I’ve never heard that one before!’

Despite vociferous protests from hard-core fans of the Current Affairs genre, most viewers have expressed support for the series’ cancellation, with many admitting that they stopped watching it months ago. ‘It’s like watching Lost all over again,’ wrote one former ‘Newsie’ in the Radio Times letters page, ‘It started off quite quirky and interesting but now it’s just a tedious hodge-podge of confusing plot strands: parliamentary expense scandals and political infighting? Yawn!’

‘It’s been just so depressing recently,’ wrote another viewer. ‘Wars, famine, accelerating ecological disaster – it’s like watching a Christmas episode of Eastenders.’ Others have criticised program makers for introducing expensive spin-off shows, such as the Regional News. ‘Who cares what’s been happening in North Yorkshire?’ wrote the media critic for the Metro.

News writers have been accused of being out of touch with the viewers, while attempts by producers to save the show have been described as ‘too little, too late’. Killing off loads of prominent characters smacks of desperation believes Sheard. ‘Michael Jackson’s demise may have temporarily piqued the nation’s interest, but haven’t they heard of the phrase less is more? And this latest bunch of guys they’ve introduced in a quest to find someone the audience will feel sympathy for – the CWU I think they’re called. Yeah, that went well didn’t it?’

(Written 21 Oct during the postal strike)