Booty calls are set to become a lot more expensive and legally binding, after the government announced that all ‘friends with privileges’ are to automatically count as cohabiting ‘common-law’ partners.
‘Thousands of people in this country are having sexual intercourse with friends and acquaintances on a casual, no-strings-attached basis,’ Gordon Brown told parliament today. ‘This situation is blatantly unfair to the majority of decent Britons, who shoulder the burden of loving, emotionally connected relationships while these, er, ‘fudge buddies’ go at it, frankly, like rabbits, without so much as a by-your-leave.’
Despite the fact that common-law status affords absolutely no legal protection to a cohabiting couple, the move has generated vocal criticism from sexually active singletons. ‘It used to be great,’ said one unattached female, ‘when I called my friend Darren he’d come over and scratch my itch, no questions asked, but since this announcement he’s got his feet up with a paper before I’ve dropped my dressing gown to the floor.’
‘My piece of ‘occasional’ has changed out of all recognition,’ another single Briton concurred, ‘what little sex I get nowadays is preceded by several hours of rearranging my furniture and putting up knick-knacks. Whereas before we’d spend Sunday mornings in a sweaty heap of post-clubbing bed boogie, I’m now up at some unseemly hour trawling B&Q for suitable shelving – plus my single occupancy tax rebate has gone for a burden!’
Despite this opposition, the government is determined to push through appropriate legislation, encouraged by overwhelming support from across the political spectrum, with the exception of a handful of Tory backbenchers and an abstention from Northern Ireland.
(Written 14 Jan 2009)