Employees at a City stock brokers have referred their colleague to the Competition Commission after accusing him of using unfair practices to gain a dominant share in the ‘available totty’ market.
27 year-old Leon Harper stands accused of building up a near monopoly of single women in a ten-mile radius by acquiring a stake in their affections via ‘underhand’ tactics such as charisma, confidence and good personal hygiene.
‘It’s a disgrace – he just has to walk into a club and boom, they’re all over him – bloody fanny magnet.’ complained one male colleague, ‘He should be limited to a couple of girls a month and give the rest of us a chance.’ Another acquaintance is demanding that, in addition to this rationing, Harper also divulges the entire content of his portfolio. ‘What I wouldn’t do to get a glimpse of his little black book – with him around you can’t afford to be fussy about sloppy seconds.’
Harper, however, has defended his actions in the strongest possible terms, claiming that his colleagues’ use of terms such as ‘sloppy seconds’, ‘fanny magnet’ and ‘available totty’ betray a singular lack of empathy with women which, if fully appreciated, would give them greater success of a Saturday night; thus levelling the playing field. ‘All they need to do is actually talk to a girl and listen to what they have to say, rather than just stare at their boobs,’ he told commissioners.
But his accusers strongly disagree with this stance: ‘Oh I talk to girls all right,’ claimed one friend, ‘but none of them seem particularly interested in the intricacies of West Ham’s current defensive crisis.’ Another workmate concurs, maintaining that talking to the opposite sex as Harper suggests simply does not work: ‘I asked this one bird how she liked her eggs in the morning. She said ‘unfertilised’ and then – well I dunno what else she said ’cause of the excruciating pain in my Jacobs. Honestly, it’s one rule for well-groomed, understanding charmers and another for the rest of us. Anyway hot tits, what time do you knock off?’
(Written 26 Nov 2009)