Britain’s Chief Medical Officer, Professor Sir Liam Donaldson, has issued his strongest warning yet about the dangers of drinking in moderation. Speaking at a recent seminar, Sir Liam told the country’s top medical professionals how the ‘one-tin hangover’ is having a ‘seriously detrimental effect on people’s wellbeing.’
‘To many occasional drinkers, the after-effects of having a quiet bottle of beer in front of the telly on a Friday night can be more debilitating than that of a all-day session on the pop for a seasoned alchie.’ He then went on to outline some of the side-effects of having ‘just the odd glass now and then’, which range from feeling slightly woolly headed the morning after, to the onset of an irritating headache.
‘To the Amy Winehouses and Pete Dochertys of today these problems may seem rather tame,’ he claimed, ‘but to Britain’s lightweights, having a mild muzziness behind the eyes is no laughing matter when you’ve got to take the kids swimming on a Sunday morning.’
Sir Liam has pledged to tackle this problem by recommending to the government that the legal drink-driving limit be reduced to zero units for people ‘who don’t go out as much as they used to, what with the baby and everything.’ ‘The onus will be on pub landlords and off-license staff,’ he announced. ‘Anyone over the age of twenty five who they do not recognise as a regular piss-head should be refused alcohol – especially red wine or foreign-sounding lagers.’
An emergency meeting of the General Medical Council will be convened to debate this issue and study Sir Liam’s proposal, just as soon as Niall Dickson, Chief Executive and Registrar of the GMC, is available. ‘Mr. Dickson was last seen renting a copy of the latest Harry Potter film,’ said a spokesman, ‘and we know he’s still got some Cusqueña left over from Christmas, so we expect him to be back at his desk just as soon as he’s found some Asprin.’