Officials at Herefordshire County Council have issued an enforcement notice to God’s representatives on Earth, demanding that the Moon be ‘taken down and dismantled’. Local authorities made this extraordinary move after the Supreme Being failed to lodge an application for retrospective planning permission.
The moon has been identified as a major source of nocturnal night pollution, according to Council leader Phillip Meens. ‘We simply cannot ignore this issue. Erecting a huge ball of rock in the night sky and then reflecting light from the sun off it without first applying for planning permission is in blatant breach of the Town and Country Planning Act.’
Council officials have already attempted to contact Our Father through various channels, requesting that He complete the relevant application forms, but have had no reply. ‘We’ve written to Lambeth Palace, The Vatican, the Patriarch of Constantinople and half a dozen other organisations claiming to have a direct hotline to God, but none of them has bothered to reply. Except the local synagogue, who told us not to be so bloody stupid; though that might also have something to do with our refusal of their application to extend their ‘beth midrash’, whatever that is.’
The notice will come into effect next week and failure to comply will result in court proceedings, with a maximum fine of GBP20,000 says Councillor Meens, who is determined to push the charge through despite strong opposition from critics who’ve dubbed the move ‘pedantry in the extreme’ and ‘a criminal waste of tax-payer’s money’.
‘It’s easy to be tempted to let this one go, but I cannot in all conscience do this, as there are just too many safety concerns. Just look at the guy’s track record: The Walls of Jericho – crumbled at the sound of a trumpet, The Tower of Babel – left unfinished, The Millennium Dome – well, enough said. Additionally I have it on good authority that He spends most of his time in an ivory tower. I ask you, is ivory a suitable building material? The guy’s a public menace!’
(Written 31 Mar 2009)