A Uttoxeter couple have asked for a UN boundary commission to help save their 30 year marriage after a long-running row over the occupation of bed space erupted into violence last week.
Mr. and Mrs. Prestwick contacted the UN after reading about their efforts to arbitrate the Ethiopia/Eritrea border dispute, a conflict which, according to the couple, had striking parallels to their own disagreement. ‘Eritrea made a number of forays into Ethiopian territory, just as my wife keeps rolling into my half of the bed.’ complained Mr. Prestwick. Mr. Prestwick has also made an official complaint to the commission about Mrs. Prestwick’s attempt to permanently annex part of his territory by allowing her V pillow to stray into a section of mattress he claims to be officially designated as his sleeping area, as per the couple’s 1979 nuptial pact.
Mrs. Prestwick disputes this, claiming that the area in question was reclassified to a shared ‘neutral zone’ in a sub-clause of the 1996 trial separation and subsequent reconciliation agreement. She has also defended the use of the V pillow, citing an independent report by her osteopath, which she claims gives her a legitimate right to maintain a back support in the disputed area at all times.
Her husband has since aggravated matters by accusing his wife of making military probes into his ‘safe zone’ with her elbows, a move defended by Mrs. Prestwick as a necessary counter-measure against Mr. Prestwick’s aggressive snoring.
UN inspectors are said to be en-route to the disputed area, desperate to intervene before the spat escalates into a full-blown conflict; the most likely result of which will see Mr. Prestwick forcibly ejected from the bed altogether and taking refuge on the sofa downstairs. ‘It is true that I have threatened an outright annexation,’ Mrs. Prestwick declared recently, ‘but this is not due to his current claims against my rightful occupation of bed space, but in response to his repeated incursions into my underwear drawer, and the plundering of items therein.’
(Written 4 Sep 2009)