North Korean atomic super-mutant ‘must play in goal’ insists FIFA

North Korea’s attempt to bolster their World Cup team up-front by nominating a specially-bred striker as their third goalkeeper has backfired spectacularly today, after FIFA insisted that the genetically engineered atomic super-mutant must actually play in goal, and not outfield as originally planned.

In an attempt to boost the nation’s attacking options against Group G opponents Brazil, Ivory Coast and Portugal, North Korean coach and political commissar Kim Jong-hun decided to name only two regular goalkeepers in his squad, with Ang Myong-Se, an atomic super-striker and by-product of Pyongyang’s nuclear programme, as the back-up.

According to official North Korean news sources, Ang was painstakingly created under the strictest of laboratory conditions to become the ‘perfect striker, with the power of an atomic warhead behind his right foot.’ ‘Our glorious scientists have endowed upon him the spatial awareness of a golden eagle,’ claimed a recent propaganda broadcast, ‘combined with the speed of a cheetah, the tenacity of a bear and the rugged good looks of our glorious leader Kim Jong-il. He will dominate and bemuse even the stoutest-hearted decadent western capitalist back four.’

However FIFA’s instance on 23 players, three of whom must be goalkeepers, has scuppered this ambitious plan. ‘If he is listed as a goalkeeper then that is the position he must play,’ a FIFA spokesman insisted, ‘regardless of how much diabolical tinkering with the very fabric of reality it took to create him. The fact that he can play keepie-uppy non-stop for over five months is neither here nor there.’

In retaliation, the North Koreans have accused the FIFA of being overly speciesist, giving ‘undue preference to pure-bred humans over the downtrodden socialist nuclear powered superman’ – a charge the governing body vehemently denies. ‘It is North Korea’s blatant attempt at rule bending that we take exception to, not their player’s biological superiority. We didn’t hold this tournament in the Rainbow Nation for nothing you know – we welcome and embrace all nations, races and super-powers.’

FIFA has also pointed to England’s national team as further evidence of their openness; ‘just look at the diversity of Capello’s squad if you don’t believe us: some players are white, some black, plus there’s a human/monkey hybrid and, if Rio Ferdinand is to be believed, a ‘fucking donkey’, up front.’

Britain to join Axis of Evil

Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling has announced that Britain is to join the Axis of Evil in a bid to expand the export market.  ‘The global downturn means that markets in, shall we say, more civilised states, are rapidly drying up.  Our only option is to do more business with so-called rogue states – Bush’s Axis of Evil.’ 

While human rights groups have condemned the move, many economists are cautiously optimistic according to Martin Wulfe of the Financial Times.  ‘British Businesses are already sending tentative feelers toward these pariah nations, and who can blame them?’

 ’Just look at Zimbabwe and its cholera epidemic – a prime target for Britain’s pharmaceutical industry.’ The chancellor is right to act now, he says.  ‘It’s only a matter of time before someone puts a bullet through Mugabe.  We need to get our foot in the door before the situation drastically improves.’

 Engineering groups are also showing optimism for the scheme.  ‘Syria and Iran: two countries with nuclear ambitions just crying out for British-manufactured goods and technical know-how.’ Says Brian Preece of the British Engineering Manufacturers Association. 

 But it’s North Korea that is getting businesses particularly excited.  ‘Kim Jong-il’s million-strong army is a potentially massive market.’ Says Keith Barton of British arms manufacturer BAE systems.  ‘With Britain in the Axis of Evil we can aggressively push for weapons contracts regardless of UN embargos or indeed any kind of moral restraint.’

 The Chancellor of the Exchequer is also quick to point out the benefits of North Korean trade.  ‘A hungry army needs knives and forks for example; what a huge shot in the arm for Sheffield steel.  Consider also how selling Kim Il-sung commemorative plates to the adulating nation could revitalise the Potteries.’

 Darling also shrugs off concern that North Korea could take advantage of Britain’s precarious economic position by flooding the country with fake currency, as they allegedly did to the US.  ‘Bring it on.’ He is reported to have said.  ‘We could do with that kind of ready cash right now.’

 (Written 14 Jan 2009)