One of the world’s most terrifyingly evil super-villains has spoken of how the economic downturn has succeeded where many super-heroes have failed by shattering his dreams of global domination and leaving him a broken and bankrupt man.
In an exclusive interview from his grandparent’s flat in Cannock, Doctor Nemesis told of how he foolishly ignored the financial danger signs. ‘In order to hold the world to ransom I’d drawn up plans for the Nemesis Bomb. However to build this fiendish new weapon I needed money. Luckily I’d amassed a considerable fortune from previous criminal endeavours, some of which I’d stashed away in a Northern Rock ISA while the rest was invested in HBOS shares.’
‘Therefore I was devastated when these institutions went tits-up, but I at least had the good sense to have a backup plan – I’d step up manufacture of my patented Death Ray cannon and sell them to interested parties.’ Sadly for Nemesis, his foray into arms dealing coincided with a major shift in military geopolitics. ‘Then Russia kicked Georgia up the arse and suddenly everyone was scared of them again. The bastards cancelled their order and I was left with thousands of weapons of mass destruction that I was unable to shift.’
It was then that Nemesis was forced to vacate his Antarctic lair and relocate to the West Midlands. ‘With fuel costs spiralling I couldn’t afford to heat my ice palace any more. Also my landlord was struggling to keep up with mortgage repayments as the buy-to-let market collapsed and made it very clear that if I couldn’t afford the rise in rent I’d be evicted.’
Having to move his secret headquarters to his grandparent’s sheltered accommodation; Nemesis was faced with the problem of housing his army of zombie gorillas, but for once luck was on his side. ‘My hench-apes all quit. Apparently I was in contravention of the European working time directive by placing them on-guard 24/7 and when I refused to change their hours they left en-masse. Apparently some have found gainful employment as nightclub bouncers whilst the rest are on a six month P.E. teacher training course.’
Forced to sell his assets just to meet the grocery bill, Nemesis found himself with a plethora of evil schemes but without the means to carry them out. ‘Have you tried to blackmail the western hemisphere when you don’t have so much as a firecracker to your name? I’ve had to downscale my activities severely.’ But even these modest ideas have backfired. ‘I had planned an international atrocity by throwing green custard over Peter Mandelson, only to find someone had beaten me to it just seconds before.’
His latest attack on freedom and democracy has also failed dismally. ‘I was going to knock on the door of Number 10 and then run away before they answered it, but unfortunately I was mistaken for a member of Fathers For Justice and arrested en-route to Downing Street. It was only after I was taken to the nearest police station that the police realised I was an evil super-villain bent on global destruction and let me go with a caution.’
Doctor Nemesis, a sad figure indicative of today’s financial woes, is currently appearing as Captain Hook in the Gornal Amateur Dramatic Society’s adaptation of Peter Pan.
(Written Mar 2009)