UK armed forces ‘boldly going’ with new Trek inspired uniforms

(Written by myself and my chum ‘Qorbeq’)

Following complaints that the UK’s armed forces are not properly equipped for modern warfare; the Home Office has today revealed the ongoing rollout of more contemporary uniform and weaponry policies, specially commissioned from JJ Abrams’ Star Trek costume designer Michael Kaplan.

Kaplan has dismissed claims that the new uniforms are sexist, stating that it is helpful on the battlefield to be able to easily distinguish between male and female soldiers. Women on the front line are less forgiving, complaining that the velour miniskirts they are now forced to wear are ‘provocative’ and ‘revealing’, although many male soldiers believe that the skirts of their heavily androgynous muscular female counterparts ‘aren’t worth looking up’. ‘I did try grabbing a quick glance up the Corporal’s skirt the other day,’ said an anonymous forces member, shuddering visibly, ‘but I could swear there were testicles poking out the side of the gusset.’

Female soldiers are not the only ones to have issues with the new garments, with many squaddies clamouring to get hold of yellow or blue shirts rather than the infamous ‘red’ type. There have also been a number of complaints about the cut of the new garments: ‘When they implemented this change in the States, they got those snazzy uniforms from Star Trek Nemesis,’ said Lieutenant Paul ‘Holly’ Hollins, ‘but we’ve been given those stupid shirts from the early Next Generation episodes – you know, the ones that keep riding up. It’s no fun fighting the Taliban with your midriff exposed to the elements I can tell you. Oh, and don’t get into unarmed combat with the enemy whatever you do – these bloody shirts rip off at the shoulder in seconds.’

The most hotly contested change being brought in, however, is on the weaponry front. ‘These new rifles are absolutely useless – where’s the kill setting?’ said Lieutenant Hollins. ‘We’ve been scoring direct hits on enemy snipers, but minutes later the bastards are getting up again, picking off anyone in a red top. We’re supposed to have a shoot-to-kill policy – if we wanted to stun the enemy, we’d just get the girls to lift their skirts at them.’

Jennie Bond issues Great British Menu ultimatum

Great British Menu presenter Jennie Bond has sensationally threatened to quit the long-running cookery show unless the program’s format is radically altered so that contestants are forced to face each other in gladiatorial combat. 

Sources have revealed that the former royal correspondent lambasted producers of the show, where Britain’s top professional chefs compete against each other to produce the best dish for certain high-profile events, complaining of the lack of tension and antagonism between the participants. 

According to one BBC insider, Bond is fed up with having to hype up the slightest disagreement between chefs in order to ferment a small degree of strife.  ‘For example, when one of them casually mentioned that the other one’s crème anglaise was in danger of boiling over, Jenny had to say something like ‘ooh, it looks like Sat Baines is about to reach boiling point over that remark.’ She finds it far too tame and inoffensive.’

Bond is reportedly pressuring program makers into introducing a special endurance round in between the starter and fish course, where chefs are forced into an arena with cattle prods and made to fight each other with ‘the same sort of weapons the Vulcans use in that Star Trek episode.’

Other ideas include a five-minute ‘buzzer round’, where random sections of the stainless steel kitchen work surface are electrified; the ‘pressure cooker’, where contestants are given thirty seconds to plate up their culinary creations before a troupe of rabid baboons is released into the studio and the ‘taster’, where the competing chefs are allowed to taste their rivals dishes and suggest ways of improving the balance of tastes and textures, before attacking each other with meat tenderisers.  ‘That’ll really get the juices flowing!’ Bond is alleged to have remarked.

(Written 26 May 2009)