Tsvangirai’s MDC get plum jobs in Zimbabwe power-sharing government

More details have been released today about Zimbabwe’s unity deal bill, as signed by President Robert Mugabe.  This deal will see Morgan Tsvangirai and other MDC members take prestigious posts in the new power-sharing government.  ‘Our MDC colleagues have been allocated top positions in the government.’ stated Zanu-PF leader Mugabe.  ‘These positions will show the world that Zimbabwe is embracing change and that I am willing to work with the MDC.’

 Tendai Biti, MDC’s secretary-general, will be given the post of Minister for Wildlife – an important position given country’s tourism industry.  ‘Mr.  Biti will take charge of our nation’s fauna, nature reserves and safari parks.’ announced Mugabe.  ‘I have such a trust in this man that I have given him personal responsibility for hand-feeding the crocodiles in the Zambezi river.’

 The MDC’s speaker in Zimbabwe’s lower house of parliament, Lovemore Moyo, also gets a top job, as energy Minister.  ‘Again I have given him special, personal duties.’ Mugabe said.  ‘Mr.  Moyo’s job will be to check the country’s power infrastructure.  He will personally check that all electricity cables are live – eventually he’ll be given specialist testing equipment but until then we’ll waive safety regulations and let him use his tongue.’

 Perhaps the most significant change is that the Joint Operations Command, Mugabe’s military nerve-centre and main facilitator of his grip on power, does not escape the power-sharing process.  Opposition leader Morgan Tsvangirai will be assigned the plum role of Minister of defence.  ‘Mr.  Tsvangirai’s duties will include the role of chief-quartermaster, where he will be personally responsible for inspecting our army’s weaponry.  This basically means looking down rifle barrels in search of defects.’ Mugabe continued, before pausing to consult a bodyguard ‘That reminds me,’ he whispered, ‘make sure he gets to inspect the artillery too – just in case.’

 (Written 8 Feb 2009)

Britain to join Axis of Evil

Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling has announced that Britain is to join the Axis of Evil in a bid to expand the export market.  ‘The global downturn means that markets in, shall we say, more civilised states, are rapidly drying up.  Our only option is to do more business with so-called rogue states – Bush’s Axis of Evil.’ 

While human rights groups have condemned the move, many economists are cautiously optimistic according to Martin Wulfe of the Financial Times.  ‘British Businesses are already sending tentative feelers toward these pariah nations, and who can blame them?’

 ’Just look at Zimbabwe and its cholera epidemic – a prime target for Britain’s pharmaceutical industry.’ The chancellor is right to act now, he says.  ‘It’s only a matter of time before someone puts a bullet through Mugabe.  We need to get our foot in the door before the situation drastically improves.’

 Engineering groups are also showing optimism for the scheme.  ‘Syria and Iran: two countries with nuclear ambitions just crying out for British-manufactured goods and technical know-how.’ Says Brian Preece of the British Engineering Manufacturers Association. 

 But it’s North Korea that is getting businesses particularly excited.  ‘Kim Jong-il’s million-strong army is a potentially massive market.’ Says Keith Barton of British arms manufacturer BAE systems.  ‘With Britain in the Axis of Evil we can aggressively push for weapons contracts regardless of UN embargos or indeed any kind of moral restraint.’

 The Chancellor of the Exchequer is also quick to point out the benefits of North Korean trade.  ‘A hungry army needs knives and forks for example; what a huge shot in the arm for Sheffield steel.  Consider also how selling Kim Il-sung commemorative plates to the adulating nation could revitalise the Potteries.’

 Darling also shrugs off concern that North Korea could take advantage of Britain’s precarious economic position by flooding the country with fake currency, as they allegedly did to the US.  ‘Bring it on.’ He is reported to have said.  ‘We could do with that kind of ready cash right now.’

 (Written 14 Jan 2009)