Britain’s ghosts have become the latest victims of the recession. Redundancies have been announced throughout the nation’s haunted hotspots as employers are being forced to give precedence to their living-and-breathing workforce.
Several hotel chains have been forced to lay-off the spooks that lurk in their properties, including the Warner Olde Weir Hotel, Yeovil. ‘We can barely afford to keep our corporeal staff at the moment.’ Said manager Susie Smith. ‘I just can’t justify employing a spectral Victorian stable-lad to put the wind up our guests anymore, so See-Through Jim has to go.’
Perhaps the most devastating loss is at The Fletcher’s Arms, Hereford, where landlord Peter Cumberland has had to fire an entire legion of Roman soldiers. ‘They used to march through my cellar twice a day, regular as clockwork, but the brewery’s no longer prepared to keep a dozen Imperial cohorts on their books. It’ll be a lot quieter down there amongst the barrels from now on I can tell you.’
This latest wave of unemployed has also put extra strain on existing jobseekers, as competition for work increases. ‘It’s bad enough looking for work as it is.’ Said unemployed furniture salesman Gary Kemp. ‘And then you find yourself queuing up at the job centre behind a headless scullery maid – it ain’t pleasant!’ Aberdeen busker Mick McCron concurs. ‘I can’t go to my usual patch any more ‘cos it’s been nicked by the phantom piper of Colquhonnie, and he can play 24/7 without even a toilet break – what chance have I got?’
The Union of Ghouls, Haunters and Other Supernatural Trades was unable to comment on the recent job losses among its members, but a spokesperson has left this statement:
(Written 15 Jan)