Mankind ‘is probably extinct and this is all a dream’ claim scientists

Following news that breastfeeding might actually be harmful to babies, scientists congregating at a top conference have come to a startling conclusion: Mankind actually died out millions of years ago and what we call life is actually some kind of strange dream. 

Scientists, researchers and medical professionals gathered at the 2009 Denver Health Symposium, reached this shocking conclusion following a three day-long debate on the risk of severe hypernatraemic dehydration in breastfeeding infants.  Doctor Mahesh Jagadeesan from the South California Institute for Holistic Therapy first put forward the motion, which soon gained general acceptance.  ‘I suggested that, if breastfeeding is suddenly bad for you, then how have we managed all these years?’

Jagadeesan hypothesised that if Human infants were so at risk, then Mankind must have actually died out aeons ago.  ‘For millennia we have been producing babies, blissfully ignorant of the risks of breastfeeding, putting them to sleep on their tummies and feeding them solids before six months.  How could babies survive?’

Jagadeesan additionally postulated that, if babies do survive, they are quickly put in front of the television and in forward-facing pushchairs.  ‘Thus we turn them into socially inept retards incapable of functioning within a society.  With these odds the Human race must’ve lost its viability long ago.’

The debate was then taken up by Professor Ian Saunders from the University of Wolverhampton, who posed the question; if we have indeed become extinct, then how are we currently having this discussion? How are we actually experiencing existence at this current moment? ‘I could only conclude that life must be some kind of virtual reality or a very weird dream.’

‘If you think about it, it makes sense.’ he maintained.  ‘How else can you explain the fact that we are extinct yet fully cognisant? How else can you explain our continued existence when faced with such an array of childrearing hazards? How else can you explain the fact that mothers and grandmothers have consistently managed to raise children for so long without the benefits of all these highly-paid medical researchers for f*ck’s sake?’

(Written 17 Feb 2009)

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Published in: on October 14, 2009 at 2:37 pm  Leave a Comment  
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