MPs turn to the SyStEM following expenses leak

Members of Parliament from across the political spectrum will soon be able put any allegations of financial irregularities behind them, following the introduction of a new initiative designed to negate the need of claiming expenses.

Systematic Streamlining of Expenditure for MPs (SyStEM) is a three stage program that increases the efficiency of individual MP’s finances, thus boosting their meagre earnings and reducing their reliance on the current allowance procedure.

Stage 1 will see the installation of a special filtration system to the sewerage system of MP’s homes. This system filters Human waste, extracting the urine and collecting it in plastic containers. MPs can then sell this liquid to the leather tanning industry for a healthy profit.

Stage 2 introduces an array of small robotic armatures into the furniture of MP’s lounges. Any coins that inadvertently fall down sofas and armchairs are immediately snatched by tiny metallic hands. Therefore loose change that would otherwise be written off as lost is passed back to the MP in question.

Stage 3 minimises any financial losses due to internet fraud. Most online banking systems have ‘what is your father’s name?’ as a security question. This stage erases the name of MP’s fathers from their birth certificates, making them to all intents and purposes fatherless. Bereft of this valuable knowledge, any cyber criminal would be unable to hack into an MP’s bank account – a potential saving of thousands of pounds.

Politicians from all parties are said to be extremely interested in this program, which has been hailed as effective proofing against further newspaper leaks. “This is exactly the kind of thing we need.” commented Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government Hazel Blears. “From now on, if anyone calls us a bunch of piss-taking, money-grabbing bastards we can simply blame the SyStEM and carry on as normal.”

(Written with great indignation at the MP’s expenses scandal 8 May 2009)

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Published in: on October 28, 2009 at 8:44 am  Leave a Comment  
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