Britain’s Cheeky Monkeys ‘at serious risk’ say conservationists

Britain’s only native species of primate, the Cheeky Monkey (Rascalii-Dennismennisus), is at serious risk of extinction according to conservationists at the British Wildlife Trust.  Experts are blaming loss of natural habitat and an increase in the population of sub-species, the Little Bastard (Chavlodytes-Burberii). 

‘We have seen a dramatic influx of Little Bastards into areas normally associated with Cheeky Monkeys, such as schools, playgrounds and shopping arcades.’ claims Dr.  Brian Pearce, Wildlife Trust member and founder of the Cheeky Monkey Protection Society.  ‘This aggressive primate has driven out the more mischievous but ultimately defenceless Cheeky Monkey from many urban areas, often at knifepoint.’

This, coupled with the destruction of traditional Cheeky Monkey scrumping orchards in favour of housing estates and supermarkets, is bringing these little scamps to the brink of extinction.  ‘There are simply not enough apple and damson trees to sustain them.’ Pearce believes, ‘Whereas Little Bastards exist mainly on a diet of junk food, with very little fruit except the microscopic amounts found in the alcopops and packets of Haribos they are known to consume.’

Even more worrying is the theory expounded by Pearce and other conservationists that some Cheeky Monkeys are actually mutating into Little Bastards.  ‘We have found evidence that this change is a behavioural one and is somehow linked to the disappearance of that other iconic British animal, the Suitable Authority Figure (Homo-Steadyinghandicus), including sub-branches of that species such as the common-or-garden Bobby-on-the-Beat, the Lesser-Spotted Stern Headmaster and the increasingly rare Respectable Parent.’

However all is not yet lost for the Cheeky Monkey, for small groups have recently been found in isolated villages among upper-to-middle-class families.  ‘Our plan is to transport some of these back into urban areas on specially supervised fieldtrips in the hope that their spending power will displace their competitors.  We are currently raising funds for a fleet of 4X4 vehicles for that very purpose.’ says Pearce.  ‘And if that fails we’ll resort to the ‘Daily Mail Solution’, which entails rounding up and castrating as many Little Bastards as possible before they start to breed.’

(Written 28 Mar 2009)

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Published in: on November 11, 2009 at 8:27 am  Leave a Comment  
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