Isle of Wight fights off Somali pirates

The Isle of Wight has fought off an attempted boarding action by Somali pirates, it emerged today.  The incident happened in the early hours of last Wednesday when a small but heavily-armed pirate vessel was spotted heading towards the island at high speed as it lay at anchor just off the Solent. 

Luckily the Isle of Wight boasts a sophisticated lookout system, which for generations has warned inhabitants of the approach of outsiders, and the alarm was raised well before the pirates came within boarding distance.  ‘I heard the church bells ringing and saw beacon fires being lit all along the coast.’ reported one local resident.  ‘So I woke my son and my grandson and we both headed out, pitchforks in hand, to see what the trouble was.’

Once within range the intruders; Somali raiders well-skilled in the art of piracy from countless hijackings on the Red Sea and Indian Ocean, opened fire with rocket launchers and AK-47s whilst demanding the island’s surrender.  ‘They promised us no-one would be harmed, but we’re not as green as we’re cabbage-looking and didn’t believe a word of it!’ said Barry Yeoman, chief officer of the Shanklin Defence Committee, ‘That’s what they said at the Isle of Wight Music Festival back in 1970 and my eardrums still haven’t recovered!’

Local defenders then swung into action with a well practiced manoeuvre made easy by centuries of drill.  While a number of islanders weathered the gunfire, keeping the pirates distracted by waving flaming torches, shouting challenges and pulling moonies, others commandeered a number of yachts, dinghies and motor launches and sallied forth from Cowes.  This flotilla quickly surrounded the Somali vessel and, after a brief firefight, holed the craft below the waterline with an improvised torpedo made from a jar of Yarmouth Pickle Co.’s twenty year-old rhubarb chutney and a tin of WW2 vintage mustard powder. 

‘That sent the little sods straight to the seabed, leaving the survivors bobbing in the water as target practice for the kids.’ an exultant Yeoman exclaimed, before issuing a chilling warning to anyone else thinking of attacking his homeland.  ‘Anyone trying to set foot on our island can look forward to a similar seeing-to.  – and that includes you buggers on the Isle of Wight Ferry from Portsmouth an’ all!’ 

(Written 30 Mar 2009)

Published in: on November 12, 2009 at 3:29 pm  Leave a Comment  
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