Taliban laid low by ‘the sniffles’

British forces in Afghanistan might be in for a quiet Easter this year, for it is believed that a large proportion of the Taliban is suffering from what is generally known as ‘the sniffles’.  According to intelligence sources, these tough and tenacious Islamic fundamentalist fighters are leaving the front line in droves and are heading back to their caves and compounds with tickly coughs, puffy eyes and streaming noses. 

 Recently captured enemy positions have yielded copious amounts of used handkerchiefs and empty tissue boxes according to press liaison officer Major Sheila McClure.  ‘Infantry detachments tasked with securing former Taliban areas have also reported the aroma of menthol and Olbas oil in the air, while captured weapons and ammunition bandoliers are greasy with Vicks vapour rub.’

This intelligence has caused the coalition of international troops in the country to change tactics, keen to take advantage of this perceived weakness.  Unmanned US drones are said to be targeting farms thought to be supplying the Taliban with food, working on a reverse ‘Starve a fever, feed a cold’ principle.  Meanwhile, a joint Canadian/Afghan force is operating along the border with Pakistan and has already seized several mule caravans laden with Paracetamol, Benalyn and Tixylix.  

While some have questioned the validity of these efforts, recently intercepted communications between Taliban fighters and their leaders appears to vindicate the strategy.  ‘Sorry but I can’t go suicide bombing today.’ reads the transcript of one phone call, ‘I was so bunged up last night I didn’t get a wink of sleep and my nose is like a tap this morning.’ To which an unidentified mullah replies.  ‘There’s a lot of it going around at the moment.  Stay in bed with a hot lemony drink or put a towel over your head and breathe deeply over a bowl of steamy water.  Inshallah, you’ll be right as rain tomorrow as you’ve still got a teenage girl that needs flogging.’

(Written 7 Apr 2009)

Published in: on November 16, 2009 at 3:22 pm  Leave a Comment  
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