Furore as PM admits he doesn’t do his own stunts

Gordon Brown faces fresh criticism today after admitting on BBC Radio 4’s Today program that he doesn’t actually perform his own stunts.  The Prime Minister was being quizzed by John Humphrys about the number of controversial and politically dangerous moves he has made during his parliamentary career, when he admitted that most of them had been carried out by professional stuntmen from Patterson Danger Management Ltd. 

Trevor Patterson, managing director of Patterson Danger Management Ltd, was first contacted by Gordon Brown shortly after he took office as Chancellor of the Exchequer.  ‘He was planning a major reform of Britain’s monetary policy by transferring the power to set interest rates to the Bank of England.’ Patterson explains.  ‘Such a risky stunt can only be carried out by professionals, so I put my best man on it – Dustin ‘Dusty’ Cochrane.’ Impressed by this work, the PM went on to use Dusty’s services to abolish Advance Corporation Tax relief, wiping out final salary pension schemes throughout the UK without the aid of a safety net. 

Patterson and his team were given further jobs after Gordon Brown’s accession to Prime Minister, with mixed results.  ‘Any stuntman will tell you that stunts can sometimes go wrong, just like in October 2007 when Gordon used us to spread speculation of a snap election.’ recalls Patterson.  To be a stunt professional you need to be part safety expert, but also part showman, so it’s really disappointing when a stunt goes off like a damp squib like that.’

Despite the furore caused by Gordon Brown’s interview, Patterson agrees with a government spokesman, who defended the use of stuntmen for ministerial initiatives by poining out that the practice had been going on for decades.  ‘Anthony Eden made extensive use of Pinewood’s stunt co-ordinator during the Suez crisis, whilst back in the 1840’s the Repeal of the Corn Laws was enacted by a circus troupe of tumbling dwarves.’ he says, ‘And another thing, do you really think it was Norman Tebbit on that bike in the 80’s?’

Patterson claims that George W Bush regularly used the services of Hollywood stuntmen, and contracted the services of television’s Jackass team during the invasion of Iraq.  He also points an accusing finger at former Labour stalwart Alice Mahon, who resigned in disgust from the party recently.  ‘Who is she trying to kid? We all know that that was Dusty in a floral dress, wig and safety harness.’

(Written 20 Apr)

Published in: on November 24, 2009 at 8:33 am  Leave a Comment  
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