Church of England unveils new relics range

The Church of England has hit upon a recession-beating method of fundraising by reviving the craze for holy relics that once held medieval Europe in its thrall.  As of today, modern ‘relics’ from well-known Christians will be up for auction on the Anglican Church’s eBay store. 

The sale of these relics will raise much-needed funds for the cash-strapped religious organisation according to the Right Reverend Dr.  Stephen Davies, the Church of England’s Director of Online Multimedia Sales.  ‘Every truly devout Christian will want a piece of holiness in these troubled Godless times, especially when we’re offering free P&P for multiple purchases.’ he declared. 

The Church of England is offering a wide range of relics for sale, including holy objects from church leaders.  ‘Robert Runcie’s toenail clippings, John Sentamu’s nasal hair, smudges from George Carey’s glasses – everything for the discerning worshipper – even Rowan Williams’ beard trimmings!’ said Dr.  Davies. 

Money raised from the sale will go towards a number of vital projects, including an ambitious program of nationwide church roof repairs, better quality communion wafers and a fund to secure the services of Hollywood stars to open village fetes and jumble sales across the country.  ‘Speaking of stars, if body parts from senior church leaders doesn’t grab your attention, the perhaps our relics from world-famous Christians will whet your appetite for spiritual wellbeing.’ Dr.  Davies announced. 

‘Strings from Sir Cliff Richard’s tennis racket, bits of machinery from Dame Thora Hird’s stairlift and snippets of Jonathan Edwards’s trademark grey hair are all up for sale.’ The eBay store will also list relics from those popular ambassadors of the faith, the presenters of television’s Songs of Praise – a range that Dr.  Davies is particularly excited about.  ‘Customers will be given the opportunity to buy wool from Aled Jones’ jumpers or phials of spittle from one of Harry Seacombe’s comedy raspberries – a must for churchgoers and Goon Show fans alike. 

One collection of relics that is reportedly generating considerable interest, with thousands of bids already registered before they even go on sale, is the contents of Diane Louise Jordan’s underwear drawer.  ‘Such is the miraculous holy potency of this range, that we have even received interest from non-Christians.’ said Dr.  Davies.  ‘Well, I can only assume they aren’t Christians; looking at their purchase histories…’

(Written 22 Apr 2009)

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Published in: on November 25, 2009 at 10:21 am  Leave a Comment  
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