Jennie Bond issues Great British Menu ultimatum

Great British Menu presenter Jennie Bond has sensationally threatened to quit the long-running cookery show unless the program’s format is radically altered so that contestants are forced to face each other in gladiatorial combat. 

Sources have revealed that the former royal correspondent lambasted producers of the show, where Britain’s top professional chefs compete against each other to produce the best dish for certain high-profile events, complaining of the lack of tension and antagonism between the participants. 

According to one BBC insider, Bond is fed up with having to hype up the slightest disagreement between chefs in order to ferment a small degree of strife.  ‘For example, when one of them casually mentioned that the other one’s crème anglaise was in danger of boiling over, Jenny had to say something like ‘ooh, it looks like Sat Baines is about to reach boiling point over that remark.’ She finds it far too tame and inoffensive.’

Bond is reportedly pressuring program makers into introducing a special endurance round in between the starter and fish course, where chefs are forced into an arena with cattle prods and made to fight each other with ‘the same sort of weapons the Vulcans use in that Star Trek episode.’

Other ideas include a five-minute ‘buzzer round’, where random sections of the stainless steel kitchen work surface are electrified; the ‘pressure cooker’, where contestants are given thirty seconds to plate up their culinary creations before a troupe of rabid baboons is released into the studio and the ‘taster’, where the competing chefs are allowed to taste their rivals dishes and suggest ways of improving the balance of tastes and textures, before attacking each other with meat tenderisers.  ‘That’ll really get the juices flowing!’ Bond is alleged to have remarked.

(Written 26 May 2009)

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Published in: on November 30, 2009 at 8:30 am  Leave a Comment  
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