Insurgents in turmoil as the AK-47 is deemed unfashionable

The world of unconventional warfare has been turned upside down after the AK-47 Kalashnikov assault rifle was officially branded unfashionable in Vogue magazine’s ‘what’s hot and what’s not’ feature. News of this change spread rapidly as other fashion industry periodicals took up the story, with Elle blasting the AK-47 as a ‘clunking cold war throwback’ and Instyle.com bemoaning the weapon’s ‘leaden’ international image.

Becoming a ‘not’ has sent the global arms trade into turmoil, with several former eastern bloc countries flooding the market with unwanted AK-47s. Weapons dealers from Somalia, Rwanda, Congo and Ethiopia are reported to be snowed under as irregular forces from across the third world scramble to ditch the rifle in favour of more fashionable guns, with the price of an AK-47 plummeting from four cows to a single goat among Kenyan cattle raiders. The re-grading has also sparked fierce debate in Mozambique over the design of their national flag, with the population split over whether to replace the rifle with an M-16 or a banana.

In Britain, the Ministry of Defence has broadly welcomed Vogue’s findings, with military spokesman Brigadier Sir Arthur Sedgley-Mulholland calling it a triumph of taste over terror. ‘I’m sure our troops take great comfort in the fact that the enemy is feeling frumpy and unfashionable, but we believe that the style envelope can be pushed further,’ he declared. ‘Far be it for the MOD to dictate this season’s look, but improvised roadside bombs are so 2008! Insurgents need to cast aside last year’s rugged modern Islamist guerrilla look for a more tribal ensemble, complete with the latest in retro spear accessories, before running full tilt at our machine gun posts and mortar positions.’

However not everyone is keen to fall in line with the latest trends, including Ayman Abu Aita, leader of the al-Aqsa Martyrs’ Brigade, who posted this inflammatory response on a fundamentalist website. ‘Fashion, like all decadent western ways, is a transitory and immoral vice imposed upon us by Zionist crusader oppressors in order to pollute our minds and dishonour our religious virtue. Not only is the AK-47 is a holy weapon given to us by God to fight the evil imperialists, but it’s also a style icon that will outlive any fad regardless of what the fashionista press would have us believe – much like the little black dress and the strapless heel.’

(Written 18 Aug 2009)

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Published in: on December 7, 2009 at 3:53 pm  Leave a Comment  
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