Admission that flat-pack instructions weren’t at fault ‘both dangerous and irresponsible’

A Devonshire man has received a strong rebuke from other British husbands after he was heard admitting to his wife that the instructions that came with an item of flat-pack furniture were perfectly adequate, and that it was his own ineptitude that caused it to fall apart hours after it had been put together.

Meeting at the local Spaniard’s Arms public house, a jury of his peers learned that Daniel Smeet, 34, of Axminster, bought the self-assemble TV/DVD player cabinet from a well-known DIY store for his daughter’s bedroom. ‘It wasn’t the fact that he couldn’t build the thing,’ claimed a visibly agitated neighbour, ‘but that the silly sod admitted to his missus that it was his fault! Any bloke worth his salt would’ve mumbled something about the instructions being crap before getting his mate to fix it or leaving the whole thing in the garage to gather dust.’

It took Smeet’s contemporaries only ten minutes to find him guilty of acting in a ‘dangerous, irresponsible and downright bloody stupid manner’. He was further charged with admitting his cack-handedness, not claiming that the instructions were written in pidgin English or that they contained rubbish diagrams that were too small to make out.

One jury member, while condemning Smeet’s actions, blamed today’s younger, more honest and idealistic generation of married men as a whole for such a basic error. ‘It’s a no-brainer – a bad workman may blame his tools, but blaming the instructions is a basic stand-by excuse and they should’ve learned that by now. It’s up there with ‘it came off in my hand’ and ‘half of the bloody screws are missing’ for getting yourself out of trouble with the wife when she wants the wardrobes up pronto.’

Smeet’s trial comes only months after a Wrexham man was found guilty at the Pig and Whistle assizes of criticising his girlfriend’s new skirt without due care and attention, and the sensational ‘Go on then, if you’re so sure where it is, you drive!’ trial in the bar at the Fox at Brandsford.  Smeet has been sentenced to be severely ostracised for three weeks, pending him getting a round in.

(Written 28 Sep 2009)

Published in: on December 16, 2009 at 10:11 am  Leave a Comment  
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