Corruption probe exposes BAE Middle Earth deal

BAE Systems, the UK’s biggest defence, security and aerospace manufacturer, is facing further scrutiny after their investigation by the Serious Fraud Office for alleged bribery in a number of third-world countries exposed another suspicious deal within the fantasy realm of Middle Earth.

The SFO is expected to announce later whether BAE Systems will be prosecuted for paying millions of pounds to win a contract to equip the Men of Gondor with trainer jets and remote artillery sighting software. ‘Despite his household’s perilous financial condition, Denethor, Ruling Steward of Gondor, was desperate for a modern defence force to combat the growing menace of the evil wizard Saruman,’ claimed an industry insider. ‘He was more than willing to bung a few sacks of gold in BAE’s direction.’

BAE’s presence also crops up in the notorious Hobbit corruption scandal, in which Samwise Gamgee, the Shire’s Minister of Defence, allegedly received kickbacks from the company in return for awarding them the contract for an aviation control system. According to one Hobbit journalist, by the time the deal was finalised, this military air traffic control system was not only out of date, but is criminally ill-suited to their needs. ‘The Shire Airforce consists of nothing more than a fat bloke in a hand glider, who can barely get off the ground anyway.’ he revealed.

In light of these revelations it is expected that BAE will plead guilty to charges of corruption and will agree to pay a substantial sum in compensation. The SFO is said to be considering a deal in which the company will hand over to the government the profits made from all of their Middle Earth contracts, in the form of a single magic ring. The Prime Minister has apparently given his tacit approval, keen to acquire this precious ‘ring to rule them all’ before the next election.

(Written 1 Oct 2009)

Published in: on December 17, 2009 at 4:06 pm  Leave a Comment  
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