Calls for ban on annoying dogs after man repeatedly sniffed in the groin

There have been renewed calls for a ban on annoyingly over-familiar dogs today after a border collie persistently sniffed a Doncaster man in the groin during a social occasion.

Derek Snelgrove, 27, was having lunch with his new girlfriend’s parents when the incident occurred. ‘He was a bit nervous as it was the first time he had met them,’ an eyewitness reported, ‘so I suppose he must have been a bit sweaty, which was probably what got Misty’s attention.’

News of the incident has reopened the debate about keeping annoying and socially unaware animals in the house, with many calling for the government to intervene. ‘There should be some sort of legislation to keep these creatures away from innocent people,’ said one campaigner, ‘if they’re not sniffing your nether regions they’re trying to hump you – where do these dogs get off? Apart from on your leg obviously.’

However others, like Sheila Cowarne of the Canine Defence League, claim that it is the dogs’ owners who are to blame. ‘These animals are just acting on their natural instincts. Simply saying ‘he’s just being friendly’ and ‘shoo her away if she’s being annoying’ is irresponsible. At the very least they should be shut in the back room or pushed outside with a couple of dog biscuits when visitors come round.’

As the debate rages, Snelgrove is being treated for acute embarrassment. ‘We’re all rallying round him,’ said a relative, ‘although he’s not had many get well soon cards yet. Mind you, he’s not had much post at all since his pit-bull Stalin bit the postman’s finger off last week.’

(Written 8 Dec 2009)

Published in: on January 28, 2010 at 8:16 am  Leave a Comment  
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The Sun launches premium news-free website

As of midday today, readers of British tabloid The Sun will be able to enjoy a special ‘premium’ news-free subscription website.

‘For a monthly charge of GBP5.00, subscribers can access the papers usual top-quality content, such as ‘Bizarre’, ‘TV Biz’ and ‘Something for the Weekend’, without having to skim through anything remotely newsworthy.’ said editor Dominic Mohan.

Not all readers are happy with this innovation. ‘I can’t afford an extra five pounds a month,’ complained one consumer, ‘It looks like I’ll have to get my diet of tits and tat from the Daily Star instead.’ However in the main feedback from local trials has been overwhelmingly positive.

‘It’s great!’ exclaimed one test-reader, ‘no more annoying current events popping up to spoil my daily intake of salacious jingo.’ ‘I can go straight to the George And Lynne cartoon without having to read the news first,’ concurred another Sun regular, ‘and the Page 3 stunna practically jumps out at you – no more hiding behind Gordon Brown’s latest cock-up for her any more!’

 (Written 30 Nov 2009)

Published in: on January 27, 2010 at 3:02 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Noise abatement order for man who literally woke the dead

Warwickshire environmental protection officers have served a noise abatement notice to a Leamington Spa man, following complaints from a neighbouring graveyard that he was making enough noise to ‘wake the dead’. Cemetery residents allege that plasterer Kevin Shields’ morning ablutions are so loud that he has actually woken them from their eternal slumber.

‘The chap’s an absolute bounder,’ claims cadaver Malcolm Tetheridge (1862-1925), ‘every morning it’s the same – 6 a.m. – knocking over the alarm clock, 6.15 – coughing his guts up in the bathroom and rattling his toothbrush, 6.30 – cussing when he trips over his trousers in the dark. Then he goes downstairs and its all clinking bowls and munching cereal before his revs his car and tears orf to work. Honestly, what does a chap have to do to get a decent lie-in these days?’

Another complainant, Colonel Ezekiel Stanhope (1606-1642) believes he is even more hard-done by, being interned practically underneath the Shields marital home. ‘When this knave breaks his fast yt ys I who sufferes for yt. Butt yt ys when the clock strikes foure that I dreade the most, for that ys when he returneth from his labours to sate his carnal passions on his lady wyfe (I wouldst say ‘goode’ lady wyfe but I vouchsafe this to be untrue!) Verily, the din of at Edgehill was nought compared to the sounde of their infernal couplinge!’

Speaking to council officials however, Tetheridge strongly denied these accusations, claiming that he does his utmost to keep the noise down. ‘You know what it’s like first thing in the morning – the quieter you try to be, the more noise you end up making. It’s bad enough getting an earful off the wife, let alone a bunch of bloody dead people – I’m still half asleep for Christ’s sake! And as for carnal passions – chance would be a fine thing! Firstly, I don’t knock off until 5, and secondly- hey, wait a minute… Maureen!’

(Written 27 Nov 2009)

Published in: on January 27, 2010 at 9:03 am  Leave a Comment  
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Pudding Czar warns of increase in nutmeg levels during run up to Christmas

(Something nicely topical – written 26 Nov 2009)

With less than a month to go until Christmas, Sir David Micklethwaite, the government’s newly-appointed Pudding Czar, has advised the British public to be on their guard against rising levels of nutmeg, cinnamon and candied peel.

In a recent report, he revealed that the street price of such ingredients has fallen steadily during the run up to the festive season. ‘A corresponding rise in seizures of suet, mixed spice and dried fruit means that, despite our best efforts, so-called ‘plum puddings’ are just as readily available now as they were last year.’

Despite repeated government warnings, a sizeable pro-pudding lobby is still calling for the legalisation of such consumables. ‘A little bit of pudding, taken now and then for recreational purposes, doesn’t hurt anyone,’ claims one self-proclaimed ‘pudding head’, ‘I quite often indulge in a bit – it helps me wind down and relax after a hectic turkey dinner.’

However Sir David believes that these campaigners are wilfully ignoring the devastating side effects that result in over consumption of the pudding. ‘While I’m led to believe that the sensation of ingesting it is pleasurable at first, no-one is prepared for the uncomfortable bloated feeling one experiences later on.’ To push his message home, Sir David’s team has produced a hard-hitting public information film, to be televised at midday, every Sunday until December 25th.

The film features ‘Tommy’, who tells viewers how he first started experimenting with mince pies as a teenager. ‘Next thing you know I was on the figs, mulled wine, brazil nuts – anything I could get my hands on – even After Eight mints!’ Tommy is then shown eagerly pouring brandy butter over a particularly large portion of pudding.

The scene then switches to the harrowing aftermath of this session – a red-faced and sweating Tommy, snoozing in an armchair while, blissfully unaware of his fate, the Queen’s Speech is broadcast on television. A follow-up campaign is planned for next week, highlighting the dangers of drinking Advocaat, Babycham and sherry without being sufficiently elderly.

Published in: on January 26, 2010 at 3:30 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Monopolies commission to investigate overly successful ‘babe magnet’

Employees at a City stock brokers have referred their colleague to the Competition Commission after accusing him of using unfair practices to gain a dominant share in the ‘available totty’ market.

27 year-old Leon Harper stands accused of building up a near monopoly of single women in a ten-mile radius by acquiring a stake in their affections via ‘underhand’ tactics such as charisma, confidence and good personal hygiene.

‘It’s a disgrace – he just has to walk into a club and boom, they’re all over him – bloody fanny magnet.’ complained one male colleague, ‘He should be limited to a couple of girls a month and give the rest of us a chance.’ Another acquaintance is demanding that, in addition to this rationing, Harper also divulges the entire content of his portfolio. ‘What I wouldn’t do to get a glimpse of his little black book – with him around you can’t afford to be fussy about sloppy seconds.’

Harper, however, has defended his actions in the strongest possible terms, claiming that his colleagues’ use of terms such as ‘sloppy seconds’, ‘fanny magnet’ and ‘available totty’ betray a singular lack of empathy with women which, if fully appreciated, would give them greater success of a Saturday night; thus levelling the playing field. ‘All they need to do is actually talk to a girl and listen to what they have to say, rather than just stare at their boobs,’ he told commissioners.

But his accusers strongly disagree with this stance: ‘Oh I talk to girls all right,’ claimed one friend, ‘but none of them seem particularly interested in the intricacies of West Ham’s current defensive crisis.’ Another workmate concurs, maintaining that talking to the opposite sex as Harper suggests simply does not work: ‘I asked this one bird how she liked her eggs in the morning. She said ‘unfertilised’ and then – well I dunno what else she said ’cause of the excruciating pain in my Jacobs. Honestly, it’s one rule for well-groomed, understanding charmers and another for the rest of us. Anyway hot tits, what time do you knock off?’

(Written 26 Nov 2009)

Published in: on January 26, 2010 at 8:04 am  Leave a Comment  
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Zombie outbreak dealt with calmly and efficiently

Swindon Borough Council has been hailed as the saviour of civilisation today after successfully containing an outbreak of the living dead in less than twenty minutes – well within the twelve hour window prescribed by the government’s emergency biohazard response guidelines.

Animated corpses were first spotted at Windmill Hill Business Park at 7.30 this morning by a number of people on their way to work, with police receiving several 999 calls reporting a number of zombies shambling around the offices of a recently-defunct chemical research company.

‘I thought they were tramps at first, until they started chewing on this security guard.’ claimed one eyewitness, ‘then suddenly these police marksmen were popping their heads in with gunfire before finishing them off with metal bats. I knew something was up by then.’ Within minutes the creatures were rendered incapable of causing any further inconvenience and were taken to a nearby council incinerator for disposal. Environmental authorities have now sealed off the contagion area with tape, and have warned sightseers to stay away under the threat of a severe reprimand and possibly a fine.

Council officials have been praised by the Local Government Ombudsman for their handling of the situation, not just for the timely dispatch of the emergency services, but for the swift execution of local risk assessments, emergency budgeting and the efficient allocation of already-stretched council resources.

According to an LGO spokesman, Swindon Borough Council’s actions stand in stark contrast to other cases of undead infestation: ‘In America, these things usually end up with terrified survivors holed up in isolated farmhouses or shopping malls, screaming at each other and recording their gory demise with shaky video footage. Swindon’s ‘keep calm and carry on’ spirit has shown the world that when it comes to defeating flesh-eating ghouls, Britain leads the way.’

The Swindon outbreak is the first recorded sighting of the undead outside laboratory conditions since the Whitby vampirism epidemic of the 1890s, although there have been several false alarms throughout the decades. In recent years, for example, there has been a sharp rise in reports of moaning, listless and yet insatiably hungry creatures, mainly by the parents of teenage children.

(Written 24 Nov 2009)

Published in: on January 25, 2010 at 3:59 pm  Leave a Comment  
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TV survival experts ‘ain’t all that’ claims Co. Durham man

A former County Durham bricklayer has launched a blistering attack against so-called celebrity survivalists and explorers, after spending an evening watching ‘some daft sod poncing around the jungle’ on television.

‘Ray Mears, Bear Grylls and the like all claim to be survival experts,’ blasted Colin Everidge, 53, ‘but have they ever hefted a hod of bricks up three tiers of scaffolding at a building site outside Spennymoor? Show me one two-up two-down built by Lofty Wiseman. Go on! No, I didn’t think so.’

Everidge goes on to claim that in fact it is he who is the expert on surviving dangerous and extreme conditions, by virtue of refusing to go anywhere even slightly dangerous or extreme. ‘Mears reckons he’s all that just because he can find food in the Tundra and make a fire with nothing more than 2 pencils and a pile of dandruff. But who’s more likely to die in the frozen wastes of Antarctica eh? Mears with his whale’s foreskin jacket and snow shoes, or me on my sofa within easy reach of a nice cup of tea and a meat pasty?’

Unemployed divorcee Everidge also scorns Bear Gryll’s latest adventures in the Sahara Desert. ‘I took the ex-missus to Lanzarote once and it was bloody boiling – so what did I do? Drink scorpion’s piss under a makeshift shelter of camel’s arseholes? No, I set up camp in the Dog and Duck with a couple of pints and an all-day English breakfast and watched Middlesbrough beat Notts Forest two-nil on Sky Sports – piece off piss.’

Also in for criticism is ‘not the marrying kind’ round-the-world yachtswoman Ellen MacArthur. ‘She might be able to single-handedly circumnavigate the globe, but I’ve got more respect for those lasses you see out on the town of a Friday night. I’ve made a long and detailed study of the subject and… Well, going about in micro-skirts and boob-tubes in the depths of winter and still being able to fight off the attentions of a middle-aged survival expert – that’s what I call endurance!’

(Written 23 Nov 2009 by myself and my chum Wallster)

Published in: on January 25, 2010 at 8:51 am  Leave a Comment  
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British soldier in Iraq self-abuse probe

British forces in Iraq are facing yet another scandal after lawyers representing the inmates of a detention centre accused a soldier serving in the Queen’s Rutland Fusiliers of regularly abusing himself.

Iraqi prisoners claim that ‘Corporal D’, a guard at the Abu-Qala temporary detention centre, carried out a systematic campaign of ‘degrading and inhumane’ self-pollution over a six month period. In a joint statement, they allege that Corporal D would ‘disappear into the toilets with a copy of Loaded for substantial periods of time,’ before reappearing in a ‘breathless and agitated state.’

If their testimony is to be believed, Corporal D’s behaviour became worse after the publication of FHM’s 100 Sexiest Babes pullout special. ‘I suspect he did more than pull it out’ one prisoner wrote, ‘We’d hardly see him for days, but we could certainly hear him! The thumping and grunting would go on for hours – listening to that was tantamount to psychological torture.’

‘All we had to keep us going was a smuggled picture of Hassan’s sister in her best burqa,’ another complainant alleges, ‘and there he was with the best lad’s mags money could buy – he was rubbing our faces in it. Well, not literally – he wasn’t a Ba’athist or, God forbid, an American.’

The prisoners’ claims are further substantiated by the fact that the Ministry of Defence has admitted to be examining the behaviour of an, as of yet un-named, soldier. ‘We are currently investigating allegations that a British soldier in Iraq brought Her Majesty’s armed forces into disrepute by dishonouring his regiment and ultimately himself.’ However they strongly deny rumours that this individual escalated his brutal program of self-abuse by using whips, electrodes and cattle prods. ‘No British soldier in Iraq would stoop so low,’ an MOD spokesman said, ‘Deepcut Barracks maybe, but not in Iraq.’

(Written 17 Nov 2009)

Published in: on January 22, 2010 at 9:44 am  Leave a Comment  
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‘Are you a leg or breast man?’ debate threatens to tear apart Anglican Church

Following the damaging and acrimonious issues regarding homosexuality and women bishops, the Anglican Church is facing yet another threat that could finally see the break-up of the episcopal polity into its component parts. Fears of a schism within the Anglican Communion have been raised after senior clergymen failed to reconcile differences between ‘leg’ and ‘breast’ men during a recent meeting of the General Synod.

Leading the dissenters is ‘breast man’ the Right Reverend John Hield, the 114th Bishop of Worcester, whose vocal condemnation of ‘leggy favouritism’ among the Anglican hierarchy has been making headlines in recent weeks. ‘Leg men are constantly being promoted over those of us who prefer our women a little bouncier’ he wrote recently. ‘Give me a low-cut blouse any day – mini skirts and such are all very well, but in my opinion being a leg man is one step up from being a foot fetishist.’

The cause of the breast camp has also been taken up by members of the African Communion, who have also levelled charges of unnatural predilections at their rivals after pro-gay campaigners publicly aired their support for the leg man faction. ‘Well, they would do, wouldn’t they?’ blasted the Most Revd. Dr. Samori O. Sisse, Archbishop and Primate of the Province of West Africa.

Archbishop of Canterbury Dr. Rowan Williams, who has found himself caught between the two mutually incompatible theologies, has called for calm and reconciliation: ‘Why can’t we all agree just to stand back and admire the full bodily form of God’s creations?’ he asked during a Thought for the Day broadcast of BBC Radio 4. However Dr. Williams has himself been condemned for failing to fully understand the complex issues that surround the argument and of sitting on the fence and failing to announce his own preferences. Forced to act, he has released the following statement: ‘I am neither a leg or a breast man, although I am rather partial to the parson’s nose.’ 

(Written 13 Nov 2009)

Published in: on January 21, 2010 at 8:30 am  Leave a Comment  
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Environment Agency to introduce flatulence rationing

In an effort to meet Britain’s legally binding targets for cutting greenhouse gas emissions, the Environment Agency is set to impose a nationwide system of flatulence rationing, it emerged today.

Speaking to an audience of journalists, environmentalists and dieticians, agency chairman Lord Smith of Finsbury outlined how everyone will be receive an annual flatus ration. ‘People will be given a “methane account” with a unique number that they will have to submit before letting rip. They will then receive a statement showing their resultant “flatulence footprint”, and face financial penalties if this exceeds their allotted ration.’

Under the Climate Change Act, Britons are obliged to cut their emissions by 80 per cent on 1990 levels by 2050. According to the Environment Agency this means that annual emissions per person will have to fall from about 9 tonnes to only 2 tonnes, factoring in a further reduction for infants, the elderly and vegetarians.

The new system is designed to encourage people to think about the carbon cost of their food purchases and reward those who live frugally by avoiding such ‘high-footprint’ products as prunes, brussels sprouts, and sauerkraut. It also allows for people to sell on unused rations, which, according to Lord Smith, not only generates a sizeable profit but also allows for considerable flexibility. ‘If you’ve been on the beer the night before and consumed too much Lamb Jalfrezi, you can barter with, for example, a more clean-living, diet-conscious friend to offset your flatulence footprint – it’s a win-win situation.’

Despite fierce opposition from groups as diverse as the makers of Pot Noodle, the British parsnip growers society and John Prescott, flatulence rationing is set to be introduced shortly after the Christmas holidays – a move, say critics, calculated to gain maximum impact and extract considerable fines among the post blow-out populace. Others however are taking a more pragmatic approach, as evidenced by Heinz’s latest range of probiotic Baked Beans with added Japanese kelp and charcoal. In the meantime climate change activists have welcomed the new system, claiming that it has given their flagging campaign a much needed second wind.

(Written 10 Nov 2009)

Published in: on January 20, 2010 at 10:09 am  Leave a Comment  
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