Wheelie bin roll-out sparks alien invasion fears on Isle of Wight

Armed mobs of Isle of Wight residents are said to be roaming the island’s streets and country lanes after the sudden appearance of wheeled recycling bins, following a local council initiative to provide one for every household, was mistaken for an extra-terrestrial invasion by startled locals.

Shotgun-toting islanders have set up roadblocks around all major settlements and are searching vehicles for lizard-men and so-called ‘body snatcher doppelwotsits’, while bemused waste disposal operatives have reported bands of men, claiming to be operating under the auspices of ‘Local Defence Plan 9’, beating the new wheelie bins with heavy clubs and cricket bats.

‘Local Defence Plan 9’ was a contingency plan drawn up by the Isle of Wight authorities following the great flying saucer scare of 1975. ‘We realised it was high time we had a mobilization strategy for dealing with alien monsters,’ local councillor Geoff Drebble told reporters, ‘and while in that instance the invasion of the saucer men turned out to be a Frisbee competition at Yaverland, the plan has been in the statute book ever since.’

Officers of the Hampshire Constabulary have been unsuccessful in their attempts to disarm these alien hunters, or to prevent the wanton destruction of council property. ‘ no copper’s gonna stop me from springin’ to the defence of my homeland!’ exclaimed one baseball bat-wielding octogenarian, ‘I ain’t been this excited since the war, or when we thought that boatload of tourists from Portsmouth were Somali pirates.’

In a desperate attempt to calm the situation, the authorities have drafted in several sci-fi experts from the mainland. ‘With their help we’ve created an alien identification sheet, which people can use to tell the difference between a Dalek or a Triffid and a combined glass, plastic and paper recycling bin.’ explained Drebble.

‘The message we have to get across is that, rule of thumb; alien invaders don’t normally have stickers on them explaining the new fortnightly refuse collection system. Whether they’ll accept textiles and Tetra Pak cartons is something we’re still looking into.’

(Written 14 Oct 2009)

Published in: on January 6, 2010 at 8:45 am  Leave a Comment  
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