Zombie outbreak dealt with calmly and efficiently

Swindon Borough Council has been hailed as the saviour of civilisation today after successfully containing an outbreak of the living dead in less than twenty minutes – well within the twelve hour window prescribed by the government’s emergency biohazard response guidelines.

Animated corpses were first spotted at Windmill Hill Business Park at 7.30 this morning by a number of people on their way to work, with police receiving several 999 calls reporting a number of zombies shambling around the offices of a recently-defunct chemical research company.

‘I thought they were tramps at first, until they started chewing on this security guard.’ claimed one eyewitness, ‘then suddenly these police marksmen were popping their heads in with gunfire before finishing them off with metal bats. I knew something was up by then.’ Within minutes the creatures were rendered incapable of causing any further inconvenience and were taken to a nearby council incinerator for disposal. Environmental authorities have now sealed off the contagion area with tape, and have warned sightseers to stay away under the threat of a severe reprimand and possibly a fine.

Council officials have been praised by the Local Government Ombudsman for their handling of the situation, not just for the timely dispatch of the emergency services, but for the swift execution of local risk assessments, emergency budgeting and the efficient allocation of already-stretched council resources.

According to an LGO spokesman, Swindon Borough Council’s actions stand in stark contrast to other cases of undead infestation: ‘In America, these things usually end up with terrified survivors holed up in isolated farmhouses or shopping malls, screaming at each other and recording their gory demise with shaky video footage. Swindon’s ‘keep calm and carry on’ spirit has shown the world that when it comes to defeating flesh-eating ghouls, Britain leads the way.’

The Swindon outbreak is the first recorded sighting of the undead outside laboratory conditions since the Whitby vampirism epidemic of the 1890s, although there have been several false alarms throughout the decades. In recent years, for example, there has been a sharp rise in reports of moaning, listless and yet insatiably hungry creatures, mainly by the parents of teenage children.

(Written 24 Nov 2009)

Published in: on January 25, 2010 at 3:59 pm  Leave a Comment  
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TV survival experts ‘ain’t all that’ claims Co. Durham man

A former County Durham bricklayer has launched a blistering attack against so-called celebrity survivalists and explorers, after spending an evening watching ‘some daft sod poncing around the jungle’ on television.

‘Ray Mears, Bear Grylls and the like all claim to be survival experts,’ blasted Colin Everidge, 53, ‘but have they ever hefted a hod of bricks up three tiers of scaffolding at a building site outside Spennymoor? Show me one two-up two-down built by Lofty Wiseman. Go on! No, I didn’t think so.’

Everidge goes on to claim that in fact it is he who is the expert on surviving dangerous and extreme conditions, by virtue of refusing to go anywhere even slightly dangerous or extreme. ‘Mears reckons he’s all that just because he can find food in the Tundra and make a fire with nothing more than 2 pencils and a pile of dandruff. But who’s more likely to die in the frozen wastes of Antarctica eh? Mears with his whale’s foreskin jacket and snow shoes, or me on my sofa within easy reach of a nice cup of tea and a meat pasty?’

Unemployed divorcee Everidge also scorns Bear Gryll’s latest adventures in the Sahara Desert. ‘I took the ex-missus to Lanzarote once and it was bloody boiling – so what did I do? Drink scorpion’s piss under a makeshift shelter of camel’s arseholes? No, I set up camp in the Dog and Duck with a couple of pints and an all-day English breakfast and watched Middlesbrough beat Notts Forest two-nil on Sky Sports – piece off piss.’

Also in for criticism is ‘not the marrying kind’ round-the-world yachtswoman Ellen MacArthur. ‘She might be able to single-handedly circumnavigate the globe, but I’ve got more respect for those lasses you see out on the town of a Friday night. I’ve made a long and detailed study of the subject and… Well, going about in micro-skirts and boob-tubes in the depths of winter and still being able to fight off the attentions of a middle-aged survival expert – that’s what I call endurance!’

(Written 23 Nov 2009 by myself and my chum Wallster)

Published in: on January 25, 2010 at 8:51 am  Leave a Comment  
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