TV survival experts ‘ain’t all that’ claims Co. Durham man

A former County Durham bricklayer has launched a blistering attack against so-called celebrity survivalists and explorers, after spending an evening watching ‘some daft sod poncing around the jungle’ on television.

‘Ray Mears, Bear Grylls and the like all claim to be survival experts,’ blasted Colin Everidge, 53, ‘but have they ever hefted a hod of bricks up three tiers of scaffolding at a building site outside Spennymoor? Show me one two-up two-down built by Lofty Wiseman. Go on! No, I didn’t think so.’

Everidge goes on to claim that in fact it is he who is the expert on surviving dangerous and extreme conditions, by virtue of refusing to go anywhere even slightly dangerous or extreme. ‘Mears reckons he’s all that just because he can find food in the Tundra and make a fire with nothing more than 2 pencils and a pile of dandruff. But who’s more likely to die in the frozen wastes of Antarctica eh? Mears with his whale’s foreskin jacket and snow shoes, or me on my sofa within easy reach of a nice cup of tea and a meat pasty?’

Unemployed divorcee Everidge also scorns Bear Gryll’s latest adventures in the Sahara Desert. ‘I took the ex-missus to Lanzarote once and it was bloody boiling – so what did I do? Drink scorpion’s piss under a makeshift shelter of camel’s arseholes? No, I set up camp in the Dog and Duck with a couple of pints and an all-day English breakfast and watched Middlesbrough beat Notts Forest two-nil on Sky Sports – piece off piss.’

Also in for criticism is ‘not the marrying kind’ round-the-world yachtswoman Ellen MacArthur. ‘She might be able to single-handedly circumnavigate the globe, but I’ve got more respect for those lasses you see out on the town of a Friday night. I’ve made a long and detailed study of the subject and… Well, going about in micro-skirts and boob-tubes in the depths of winter and still being able to fight off the attentions of a middle-aged survival expert – that’s what I call endurance!’

(Written 23 Nov 2009 by myself and my chum Wallster)

Published in: on January 25, 2010 at 8:51 am  Leave a Comment  
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