Zombie outbreak dealt with calmly and efficiently

Swindon Borough Council has been hailed as the saviour of civilisation today after successfully containing an outbreak of the living dead in less than twenty minutes – well within the twelve hour window prescribed by the government’s emergency biohazard response guidelines.

Animated corpses were first spotted at Windmill Hill Business Park at 7.30 this morning by a number of people on their way to work, with police receiving several 999 calls reporting a number of zombies shambling around the offices of a recently-defunct chemical research company.

‘I thought they were tramps at first, until they started chewing on this security guard.’ claimed one eyewitness, ‘then suddenly these police marksmen were popping their heads in with gunfire before finishing them off with metal bats. I knew something was up by then.’ Within minutes the creatures were rendered incapable of causing any further inconvenience and were taken to a nearby council incinerator for disposal. Environmental authorities have now sealed off the contagion area with tape, and have warned sightseers to stay away under the threat of a severe reprimand and possibly a fine.

Council officials have been praised by the Local Government Ombudsman for their handling of the situation, not just for the timely dispatch of the emergency services, but for the swift execution of local risk assessments, emergency budgeting and the efficient allocation of already-stretched council resources.

According to an LGO spokesman, Swindon Borough Council’s actions stand in stark contrast to other cases of undead infestation: ‘In America, these things usually end up with terrified survivors holed up in isolated farmhouses or shopping malls, screaming at each other and recording their gory demise with shaky video footage. Swindon’s ‘keep calm and carry on’ spirit has shown the world that when it comes to defeating flesh-eating ghouls, Britain leads the way.’

The Swindon outbreak is the first recorded sighting of the undead outside laboratory conditions since the Whitby vampirism epidemic of the 1890s, although there have been several false alarms throughout the decades. In recent years, for example, there has been a sharp rise in reports of moaning, listless and yet insatiably hungry creatures, mainly by the parents of teenage children.

(Written 24 Nov 2009)

Published in: on January 25, 2010 at 3:59 pm  Leave a Comment  
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