Noise abatement order for man who literally woke the dead

Warwickshire environmental protection officers have served a noise abatement notice to a Leamington Spa man, following complaints from a neighbouring graveyard that he was making enough noise to ‘wake the dead’. Cemetery residents allege that plasterer Kevin Shields’ morning ablutions are so loud that he has actually woken them from their eternal slumber.

‘The chap’s an absolute bounder,’ claims cadaver Malcolm Tetheridge (1862-1925), ‘every morning it’s the same – 6 a.m. – knocking over the alarm clock, 6.15 – coughing his guts up in the bathroom and rattling his toothbrush, 6.30 – cussing when he trips over his trousers in the dark. Then he goes downstairs and its all clinking bowls and munching cereal before his revs his car and tears orf to work. Honestly, what does a chap have to do to get a decent lie-in these days?’

Another complainant, Colonel Ezekiel Stanhope (1606-1642) believes he is even more hard-done by, being interned practically underneath the Shields marital home. ‘When this knave breaks his fast yt ys I who sufferes for yt. Butt yt ys when the clock strikes foure that I dreade the most, for that ys when he returneth from his labours to sate his carnal passions on his lady wyfe (I wouldst say ‘goode’ lady wyfe but I vouchsafe this to be untrue!) Verily, the din of at Edgehill was nought compared to the sounde of their infernal couplinge!’

Speaking to council officials however, Tetheridge strongly denied these accusations, claiming that he does his utmost to keep the noise down. ‘You know what it’s like first thing in the morning – the quieter you try to be, the more noise you end up making. It’s bad enough getting an earful off the wife, let alone a bunch of bloody dead people – I’m still half asleep for Christ’s sake! And as for carnal passions – chance would be a fine thing! Firstly, I don’t knock off until 5, and secondly- hey, wait a minute… Maureen!’

(Written 27 Nov 2009)

Published in: on January 27, 2010 at 9:03 am  Leave a Comment  
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