Full English Breakfast under hostile takeover bid

Lovers of great British culinary icon the full English breakfast are up in arms today, after it was announced that a formal takeover bid has been launched by Kraft: the American food giant, which already has shares in the breakfast in the form of hash browns and potato waffles.

The multi-national conglomerate intend to ‘streamline the English breakfast in line with our product portfolio’, which, according to celebrity Kerry Katona, the official face of the ‘Save our Sausage’ pressure group, amounts to the replacement of black pudding with pancakes and maple syrup. However Kraft is unrepentant: ‘We’re catering to a global market,’ claimed a spokesman. ‘In most countries, ‘blood sausage’ has a completely different connotation. Market research shows that many consumers are simply unwilling to sample it, let alone eat a whole one.’

Kraft’s opening offer has been described as ‘ derisory’ by roadside café owners, who are encouraging Little Chef to express an interest and thus save this national institution. ‘This has been on the cards for a long time, and in fairness we’ve tried to pre-empt it by adapting,’ claimed Big Lil of the T(r)uck Shop eatery, A49, Ludlow. ‘But when I ask my customers if they want their eggs over-easy they look at me as if I’ve gone mad.’

‘The full English is just the start,’ warns Katona, ‘next it’ll be our other much-loved brekkies – porridge, cereal, left over pizzas – it’s the thin end of the wedge.’ Save our Sausage also claims that Kraft plan to outsource the cooking of breakfast components to foreign companies, leaving just a small plant in the UK to assemble the parts into the frying pan. ‘Have you tried American bacon? It just doesn’t taste the same does it?’

 (Written by me and my chum Edward Hack 14 Jan 2009)

Published in: on February 15, 2010 at 9:52 am  Leave a Comment  
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