The Advertising Standards Authority would like to advise consumers that, as of today, all broadband providers must replace the words ‘up to’, with the words ‘nowhere near’*, when advertising their products.
In other words, the advertising slogan ‘with up to 20Mb broadband speed’ will now read ‘with nowhere near* 20Mb broadband speed’.
*in fact, you’ll be lucky to get a tenth of that, and frankly, considering the state of the crappy old aluminium telephone cabling in your area, we’re surprised you can get any form of interconnectivity at all.** We could of course replace this cable with optical fibre, but that would cost us a bloody fortune, so, unless you can persuade your cash-strapped local authority to stump up the money, don’t hold your breath.
**unless you are one of the tiny percentage of the population who live in our trial fibre-to-premises zone in Surrey, in which case, fill your boots with as much illegally downloaded movies and porn as you can manage. Sir.
(Written 12 Feb 2010)
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