Fears for fabric of reality after discovery of dog with nose the size of football pitch

Fears that the English languages ability to differentiate between real and imaginary terms could be compromised have increased today, after a group of Salford youths were discovered playing keepie-uppie on a dog’s nose the size of a football pitch.

Concerns that the very fabric of reality could be unravelling were first raised last week, when a man with a nose the size of a postage stamp was spotted in nearby Withington. ‘He might just have had a really small nose,’ revealed Dr. Alastair Brentfield, quantum linguist and chairman of the government’s emergency reality taskforce; ‘however this latest corresponding discovery is proof that something is amiss.’

A thorough examination by of the English language by trained, Welsh speaking engineers has revealed serious faults in the metaphorical filters: devices that separate metaphors and similes from actual nouns and literal descriptors. According to Dr. Brentfield, finding the budget to replace them is proving difficult: ‘these filters cost an arm and a leg, and it isn’t easy to find willing donors in this day and age.’

Some experts have criticized the government for awarding the maintenance contract of the English language to the cheapest tender. ‘If you pay peanuts you get monkeys,’ concedes Dr. Brentfield, ‘and no matter how close they are to us on the evolutionary ladder, giving chimpanzees access to state of the art syntax calibration equipment is just asking for trouble.’

In response to the crisis, Gordon Brown called an emergency session last night, with several MPs being treated for burns after hot-footing it to parliament. ‘Britain is facing a disaster of Titanic proportions,’ he told the House, ‘a disaster which, luckily, has hit an iceberg off the coast of Newfoundland and no longer threatens us.’ At this stage one opposition MP had to be physically ejected from the chamber on the ground of public decency, after telling the Prime Minister that he was ‘talking out of his arse’.

(Written 15 Feb 2010)

Published in: on March 8, 2010 at 9:48 am  Leave a Comment  
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