UK health chief hits out against lightweight drinkers

Britain’s Chief Medical Officer, Professor Sir Liam Donaldson, has issued his strongest warning yet about the dangers of drinking in moderation. Speaking at a recent seminar, Sir Liam told the country’s top medical professionals how the ‘one-tin hangover’ is having a ‘seriously detrimental effect on people’s wellbeing.’

‘To many occasional drinkers, the after-effects of having a quiet bottle of beer in front of the telly on a Friday night can be more debilitating than that of a all-day session on the pop for a seasoned alchie.’ He then went on to outline some of the side-effects of having ‘just the odd glass now and then’, which range from feeling slightly woolly headed the morning after, to the onset of an irritating headache.

‘To the Amy Winehouses and Pete Dochertys of today these problems may seem rather tame,’ he claimed, ‘but to Britain’s lightweights, having a mild muzziness behind the eyes is no laughing matter when you’ve got to take the kids swimming on a Sunday morning.’

Sir Liam has pledged to tackle this problem by recommending to the government that the legal drink-driving limit be reduced to zero units for people ‘who don’t go out as much as they used to, what with the baby and everything.’ ‘The onus will be on pub landlords and off-license staff,’ he announced. ‘Anyone over the age of twenty five who they do not recognise as a regular piss-head should be refused alcohol – especially red wine or foreign-sounding lagers.’

An emergency meeting of the General Medical Council will be convened to debate this issue and study Sir Liam’s proposal, just as soon as Niall Dickson, Chief Executive and Registrar of the GMC, is available. ‘Mr. Dickson was last seen renting a copy of the latest Harry Potter film,’ said a spokesman, ‘and we know he’s still got some Cusqueña left over from Christmas, so we expect him to be back at his desk just as soon as he’s found some Asprin.’

Published in: on April 28, 2010 at 7:23 am  Leave a Comment  
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Celebrity slammed for poor quality sex-tape

A Former reality show contestant has lashed out at the ‘heartless’ thieves who stole a home-made sex tape, which she had ‘accidentally’ left on a windowsill of her ground-floor London apartment, only to return it hours later with a stinging critique on the film’s production values.

In a Daily Star exclusive, model-turned-actress-turned-singer Keelee Parish told how the tape, filmed with her then-boyfriend, was snatched from an open window, where it had been left ‘to cool’. ‘Well, it was hot stuff!’ she quipped. ‘I was expecting a call from Playboy, Television X or at least Men and Motors, when suddenly it came back through my letterbox marked ‘return to sender’.’

But even worse was to come, for included in the package was a long and detailed list of the video’s shortcomings. ‘The camerawork, the sound, the lighting – all picked apart. It was so unreasonable – do they know how hard it is to make an authentic-looking amateur sex tape? I haven’t felt so degraded since FHM sent back my glamour portfolio with a sticker on it telling me to use a flash and check my exposure.’

Parish slams the critique, which at one point complains about the film’s excessive pixilation, as being excessively unfair: ‘They could at least acknowledge how bloody expensive decent digital camcorders are these days. And as for my ‘wooden yet flabby performance’ – look, I haven’t done this sort of thing since I was dropped from the Safeways ads in 2003 and appeared on the internet with Abi Titmuss – I’m hardly a seasoned professional.’

Parish reserves her harshest words for her co-star and former partner, bear wrestler Steve Steele, who she blames for failing to properly format the film. ‘I feel exposed and betrayed – Steve told me that he’d sorted out the post-production, but it was all lies. To have my most intimate moments in the hands of a tabloid journalist, er, I mean, complete stranger, before the colour balance was properly adjusted – it makes me shudder. God knows what my publicist is going to say; he’ll probably get me pregnant and make me start smoking again.’

Published in: on April 23, 2010 at 7:45 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Relief as Hitler clone turns out to be a complete bastard

Far-right extremists are breathing a sigh of relief today, after the worlds only living clone of fascist leader Adolf Hitler was officially labelled a ‘complete bastard’ by his peers.

Nigel Hitler, 51, was originally cloned from cells taken from the Fuehrer’s brain by a secret cabal of Nazi scientists in Buenos Aires during the 1950’s, before being smuggled into the UK to be raised by suitably middle-class foster parents. According to recently declassified reports, his creators originally worried that their would-be Übermensch was turning into ‘a rather personable young man, as opposed to the sexually repressed outsider seething with resentment we were hoping for.’

One report criticised his oratory skills, detailing how ‘Hitler MKII’ singularly failed to rouse any book-burning mobs or jackbooted military formations with fiery rhetoric during his teenage years. ‘He shows absolutely no sign of rabid anti-Semitism,’ one observer wrote. ‘He exhibits little in the way of an iron-willed determinism to conquer Europe, eschews a decent side-parting and refuses point-blank to grow a toothbrush moustache.’

However, Nigel’s descent into middle-aged has raised the hopes of many right-wing British nationalists. ‘He’s a lot more curmudgeonly nowadays,’ claimed local BNP activist ‘Commandant’ Rodney Burridge. ‘Regularly complaining about the noise his neighbours make, waiting until they put the washing out before burning his garden waste and putting whitewashed stones on the grass verge outside his house so that no-one can park there – it’s not exactly Kristallnacht, but it’s a start – the Fifth Reich can’t be too far around the corner now.’

Once-sympathetic neighbours who originally ascribed this change to the pressures and daily grind of everyday life, now subscribe to the notion that Hitler has simply become a bastard. ‘He’s a right nasty piece of work,’ complained one nearby housewife. ‘I know he’s got a big mortgage and marriage problems, but since I caught him chasing our cat off his back lawn with a hosepipe, I won’t let the kids anywhere near him.’

Others blame a recent career change, when financial problems forced a move from the part-time voluntary sector into a full time job as a traffic warden. ‘He’s transmogrified into your typically officious, small-minded jobsworth public servant,’ a former colleague noted; ‘it’s true what they say isn’t it? Give ’em a uniform and they think they’re Hitler.’

Published in: on April 21, 2010 at 11:38 am  Leave a Comment  
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Parents’ horror as toddler learns to spell

There are renewed fears that Britain’s pre-school children may have managed to decode their parents’ secret method of communication today, after it emerged that a Nuneaton toddler has learned to spell.

‘Spellspeak’, used by parents to communicate over the heads of their young offspring, has been seen as a ‘safe bet’ since time immemorial, according to sociologist Dr. Margret North. ‘It’s a quick and easy way of encoding the more contentious aspects of your conversation.’

‘Rather than mentioning, for example, ‘sex’ in front of your two year-old, you simply spell out S, E and X – that way you can defer those more awkward and embarrassing questions that your children suddenly throw at you,’ she explained. ‘However, it was only a matter of time before our naturally curious toddlers evolved to counter this tactic.’

Kyle Shortbury, 18 months, shocked onlookers after his mother, in an attempt to wean him off his pacifier, told his father to hide his D.U.M.M.Y in a kitchen drawer, to which the toddler replied ‘no, Kyle dummy now!’ ‘I was both proud and appalled,’ said his grandmother, ‘I always knew he was an intelligent little lad, but this took the biscuit, or B.I.S.K.I.T as we call them.’

Reports of literate toddlers have since appeared in other parts of the country, forcing parents to take desperate measures to ensure that their children are excluded from their conversations. Colleges have reported a dramatic uptake in French and Spanish evening classes, while the National Esperanto Society has tripled its membership.

‘We’ve also seen a tenfold rise in the American ‘ish-nay’ technique,’ claimed a leading linguist; ‘for example ‘ish-nay on daddy’s drinking problem-ay’.’ However British children are already adapting to this new challenge, with one 2 year-old being on record as telling his parents ‘to stop talking B.O.L.L.O.C.K.S-ay.’

Published in: on April 15, 2010 at 12:35 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Climax of 1812 Overture performance marred by friendly fire incident

A performance of Tchaikovsky’s 1812 overture at New York’s Carnegie Hall ended in tragedy today, after members of the United States Army Reserve Orchestra accidentally opened fire on their fellow band members.

Details of the incident are sketchy, but according to eyewitnesses, members of the Arkansas National Guard artillery brigade, especially flown in to provide the piece’s famous cannon fire, failed to sufficiently elevate their antique smoothbore howitzers. ‘We’d already felt a whiz of air over our heads earlier on,’ one concert-goer told reporters, ‘but when the band struck up ‘God Save the Tsar’ it was as if the guns were pointing right at us.’

Another witness described how the roof of Carnegie Hall was peppered with cannonball holes during the Battle of Borodino section. ‘I guess someone from the Hall must’ve complained, because the next thing you know they were depressing the guns and loading them with grapeshot.’

Paramedics were greeted with scenes of carnage as they fought their way through blasted pieces of woodwind and a panicking audience to reach the stricken musicians. ‘The brass section took the brunt of the barrage,’ claimed one exhausted medic; ‘I’ve never seen a tuba torn in two like that before.’

Military authorities are remaining tight-lipped over the incident, but have confirmed that they are investigating a ‘blue on blue’ event in the vicinity of Midtown Manhattan. In the meantime, Britain’s Ministry of Defence has talked down the likelihood of such a tragedy happening in the UK by pointing out that, due to recent cutbacks, all artillery pieces have been replaced by swannee whistles and clown horns.

Published in: on April 14, 2010 at 8:18 am  Leave a Comment  
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Science fiction writers hold crisis talks after Deus ex Machina breaks down

Science fiction writers from across the globe are meeting in Los Angeles today to discuss the implications to their craft, after the ‘god in the machine’ developed a fault last weekend.

‘It started making a strange knocking noise on Friday afternoon,’ admitted Byron J. Stevenson, editor of sci-fi anthology magazine Stargrazer. ‘And by Saturday I was inundated by complaints from contributors, all unable to resolve their complicated plot arcs and mythos cycles by the timely arrival of some alien or other.’

The Writer’s Guild of America is also joining the debate after a number of would-be Hollywood blockbusters were pulled from pre-production. ‘I was expecting Arnie to come crashing in on a gigantic CGI robot and save the day in my latest movie,’ complained one screenwriter, ‘but all I got was this weird squeaking, followed by a clonk, and then nothing.’

Experts are investigating the problem, although even television writer and Deus ex Machina connoisseur Russell T. Davies is said to be baffled. ‘We’re not sure what the problem is yet,’ the former Doctor Who bigwig admitted, ‘but we’re confident that something will come along soon and pow! All this will be sorted out for us.’

Published in: on April 13, 2010 at 7:55 am  Leave a Comment  
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Illusionists to target disillusioned voters

Britain’s mainstream political parties have taken steps to ‘re-illusion’ the nation’s disillusioned electorate, by employing well-known magicians and illusionists to conjure up extra votes.

Labour spin doctors have turned to controversial mentalist Derren Brown, who, in a series of Channel 4 broadcasts, will use his powers of sub-conscious persuasion to ‘suggest’ that Gordon Brown is the right man to lead the country.

Conservative election strategists have countered this move by unleashing their ‘secret weapon’, Paul Daniels, who will saw BBC presenter Peter Snow in half during a live Election Night debate, before announcing that ‘you’ll like our policies on windfall tax, but not a lot.’

Meanwhile Nick Clegg is keeping his cards close to his chest after discovering that noted illusionist Ali Bongo died several years ago. However sources close to the Liberal leader claim that he has been actively courting the services of The Great Soprendo, whose catchphrase ‘piff paff poof’ is believed to be crucial in securing the ‘pink vote’.

(By me and QorbeQ)

Published in: on April 12, 2010 at 7:31 am  Leave a Comment  
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Incumbent government must apply for ‘fit note’ from British electorate

Following the introduction of new legislation, the labour government must gain a ‘fit note’ from their electorate by May 6th, if they are to return to work, rather than rely on the traditional sick note to renege on their responsibilities.

So-called fit notes have been designed to allow voters to decide whether a particular political party is fit to govern and, in the event of a hung parliament, what aspects of the role each party can perform.

The overhaul of the sick note system was announced a year ago by government adviser Dame Carol Black, the national director for health and work. ‘The responsibility will be on the electorate to act,’ she announced. ‘If a voter decides that a candidate is capable of representing them in Parliament, then they will be required to vote for them.’

However critics of the scheme have warned voters against being drawn into making political decisions that they are not qualified to make, being unaware of the details of a candidate’s working conditions, what corporate advisory committees they sit on and their non-domicile status.

Other electoral reformists are calling for a Big Brother style system; where the public vote for the party they would like to be expelled from the House, whilst allowing for party leaders to be immune from such an occurrence if they can successfully complete a special task – such as the invasion of a foreign country.

Published in: on April 12, 2010 at 7:29 am  Leave a Comment  
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